Past, Present & Future

One Word Meme

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-12 – 13:19:00

Where is your mobile phone? Sofa

Your significant other? Working

Your hair? Glossy

Your Mother? Mad

Your Father? Hero

Your favourite thing? Phone

Your dream last night? Coloured

Your favourite drink? Champagne

Your dream/goal? Love

The room you're in? Front

Your ex? Forgotten

Your fear? Pain

Where do you want to be in 6 years time? Content

Where were you last night? Home

What you're not? Courageous

One of your wish list items? Family

Where you grew up? Sheffield

The last thing you did? Text

What are you wearing? PJ's

Your TV? On

Your pets? None

Your computer? Used

Your life? Complicated

Your Mood? Apprehensive

Missing someone? Always

Your car? Sold

Something you're not wearing? Knickers

Favourite store? Reiss

Your summer? Laughing

You're favourite colour? Black

Last time you laughed? Yesterday

Last time you cried? March

Checking In

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-10 – 14:51:00

I feel bad if I don't post at least once a day as this is my self prescribed therapy until further notice. So I'm checking in with myself.

No really change with work, still nothing to keep me occupied for a full 8 hours, not even 2. Although I have found an online course to type correctly but it has reduced my speed to 5 words per minute!

G (the neighbor) is back and already annoying me. Yesterdays little message at 8:15 was...

'Very Pretty'

This was in relation to my outfit. Yes he really does stand outside his window when I'm due to go to work to look at what I'm wearing.

Today it took G until 12:47 (I lost the bet with M that he would email before 1pm) to email. He managed to put his foot in it with commenting on my free time to which I replied it's a perk of being made redundant (you prick). Good excuse to terminate the conversation.

More of the same with M today, general chit chat. He's had a few calls from agency's over the past two days so things are looking up until he was 'asked to leave with immediate effect' at 1pm today. The company he worked for was a little dodgy so its not a bad thing.

And that's it...

I'm off tomorrow and have agency interview plus I've had another call from one today which has made me giggle some what.

I have a girl on my team who is a little challenging to manage at times, in a nutshell; she's spoilt and doesn't take 'positive' feedback well. She was complaining that an agency has declined her CV due to the current market and the volumes of candidates they have already they will not taking on anyone else. I was called by the same agency today asking if I was still looking for work... I think they missed off that they were only interested in quality candidates.

Checking out and fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Cars, Trucks and Freaky Family

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-08 – 22:37:00

Nothing; despite pressing send and received for the 100th time this morning. No email declaring he'd done the deed, left his wife and was on his way to get me.

I had to know so initiated the conversation. 10 minutes and no reply. Now I'm thinking all sorts. Perhaps he's not in work, I can't text because she might be with him.

Bloody hell.

Ping.

M.

I flinch opening the mail, scared of what words would greet me. The first line tugs at my heart. I've took his breath away, the present, more so the card and my words. It was all a bit waffly and it wasn't penned in the most romantic of settings, the post office, where I poured my heart out. I just wished I'd bought a bigger card, I ended up writing on the envelope!

He says everything was quiet at home, the girls were out and she never really spoke to him, apart from whatever he does its down to him. Clever lady; she won't throw him out, he has to be the one who chooses to leave her and the girls.

He does refer to her by her name quite often, it strikes me where I feel all the guilt. He does that today, refer to her by name. He sometimes refer to BF by his name. I can't. It makes it real, a name. I know I can't erase his past and wouldn't want to. I know I can't expect not to hear or see that familiarity but it just highlights the little time we have spent together.

I'm right (women are always right

), time is getting short and decisions are almost upon us. But that's it really, no answers. But he doesn't have them yet, there's no point in asking sometimes. The remainder of the day is light to some point. Tomorrow is another day and he's got his bloods tomorrow, plus he'll have his full results of his last bone marrow.

Last night BF was the first to sponsor me for the race, £25. Things like this make me feel guilty as hell. His little comment was 'go for it babe'. My parents have also. The comments look like I'm from a freak family!! Dad says his money is all in pennies, all £25, and Mum says its from the mad women. Jesus, do they not realise they are shown publicly??? Makes me smile though.

We (BF) joked about that the stalker neighbour who would surely sponsor me on his return and would probably pledge more to look good with me - this was coming from the BF. Kinda surprised me at the acknowledgment of the stalkers underlying intentions but we were laughing all the same.

Seconds after our conversation, the neighbour text (hmmm, need an initial for him. G. There).

'You don't know who drove into my car I suppose?'

Is he accusing me? I thought. Turns out it was a tow truck taking away someone's porsche. I must admit I did giggle to myself and with BF. I saw the damage on the way home, a nice big scrape all the way down to the metal. Whoopsie!

In the middle of the text conversation I'd had with G he added a

'Ps. You didn't fancy the first BBQ of the season?'

He was referring to the Friday night session in the garden where BF got completely out of it. He'd only been back in the country hours and he's had the full run down of the Mews.

I've got to move out.

Highs and Lows

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-07 – 23:32:00

The thought of dragging myself into work today didn't fill me with joy, the prospect of having nothing to do all day is exhausting and soul destroying.

M's first email of the day was to the point. I'd text late last night, knowing he usually switches his phone off for it to be read by his wife. Boy did I feel bad. He says its been brewing but I was the catalyst and I could have avoid it for him. He debated tell the girls at the weekend and even tonight he feels its nearly there but he's not as brave as he thought he was.

There's still something between us, I know its me. I'm putting up the barriers in readiness for the knock back. I'm not 100% sure its coming but I can't take that chance. I can't let him hurt me.

I'd been keep a Smythson note book I'd order for him at Christmas with his initials engraved. Its red with gold lettering and very me. I found a little card and bought a oyster card and wallet (for visits to me). I thought I would send it up to his work for him to open tomorrow. I loving giving gifts I've picked out for people I care for, I like seeing their faces. I won't see his face but I'll know when I speak to him, his voice gives a lot away. My message said I thought we were coming to a cross roads and decisions will be made and I'm not sure of the outcome. So this might be a little memory of me and wanted it to be sexy (its red leather) and chic (expensive!).

Our last conversation of the day he said two things which I don't know what to make of this evening. There's room at his Mum's now she's not moving, which would be ideal for the moment being close to the girls. Secondly when I'd asked if he was in tomorrow he said yes but might not later in the week if he moved out, he wouldn't be up to going to work. But these are words and words get twisted and scenarios built round them in your head when they aren't your words. Reality is, I'm miles away and have no idea what's happening.

So the waiting game continues...

On a happier note I registered on a recruitment agency website and I had a call!! Its for an Office Manager, perfect. The interview with the agency is on Friday and all being well my details will be forward to the prospect client and maybe my new employer. One slight issue... Its based near Selfridges on Oxford Street... My favourite store. Ouch I can hear my credit card screaming already.

I must admit I've picked out a few items for purchasing with my little windfall due in June. They comprise of a couple of classic pieces from Reiss and a Mui Mui bag I spotted on ASOS. That's £500 gone already!!

Apart from being hopeless in relationships I love clothes and shopping and piecing items together. I like to buy a couple of classic and demur pieces a few times a year. Usually a couple of dresses, a decent coat and fab shoes. This year I've already treated myself to a gorgeous Anna Sui coat in the sale from net-a-porter, ball hurting shoes and a fitted dress.

I shan't go on as I'll be dreaming bags and shoes all night!!

Until tomorrow, I'm sure there'll be something to tell either confirmation of what I'm feeling or sheer panic that he's left (panic in a good way I will add!).

Addictive and Annoying but Fun! Try it, You Might Like it

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-06 – 20:44:00

www.miniclip.com/games/bloxorz/en/

Back Down to Earth

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-05 – 23:16:00

I wasn't sure I had much to write so I've left it until now. I sometimes start these entries thinking that they are going to be relatively short but they never are. I have a feeling this one is one of those.

As Friday afternoon drew to an end I'd become increasing agitated with the horrendous lack of work. As I was preparing to leave for a few drinks my boss and GBF dropped out at the last minute. Actually I was tempted just to head home myself now. Within a split second I was.

BF was surprised to see me and I was off-hand with him for no real reason other than M hadn't got back in contact. So much for my patience of earlier... Typical me. After a few mutter words between us I head off to bed. By 8pm he was itching to go out, he had to go because the neighbours had bought extra food so he couldn't let them down... But it is OK when it's me I said silently in my head.

My boss text to say he'd received a call from a slightly tipsy informant who'd been at the engagement drinks I was due to go to. The groom to be had set off a fire extinguisher and ended up being cautioned by the police. The bride to be was not impressed!! This will be the hot topic on Monday, might make the day go quicker!!

BF comes back in around 10pm for something, oh yes, his ipod connection because they wanted some music. Then I'm rudely awaken by him creeping around the room for his trousers for money, apparently, I don't believe him. Then I can hear shouting from downstairs, I can't make out the words but it sounds like baby. I end up shouting his name as I walk down to see what's going on, I wasn't sure what to expect. He's completely out of it sat on the sofa. Looks like he's been on the computer but I'm not 100%. I'm wide awake and its 3am. I'm well pissed off by this point.

He's been in bed until early afternoon and comes into the bedroom like nothing happened, not that I'm sure what went on. I don't ask and he doesn't offer any information on the evenings events.

My Mum is back today from her 2 week break in Brasil. She sounds awful on the phone, she's been ill for most of the holiday. Her rendition of the 2 weeks doesn't sound too good in all aspects, then we finally get round to discussing the work situation and BF. She thinks we're going through a bad patch, I can't bring myself to tell her it might be a permanent bad patch that we don't recover from but she glosses over it and doesn't want to get involved I sense.

I've spent most of the day in bed and when I finally manage to drag myself out and sit down stairs with BF he falls asleep. I can't hide my annoyance so I take myself off back up stairs to write this. BF has just come up and asked to turn the lights down, I give him a non committal shrug and he says he'll go in the front room. One part of me is glad, the other I just want to shout at him.

I can't shake this heavy feeling I have today, part is probably hormonal so hopefully it will pass tomorrow. I expect Sunday will bring more doom and gloom as I feel like I've held back my annoyance and anger today and it has to come out sometime. This helps though, writing down my thoughts so I can come back to them and read them in the cold light of day and thinking - what was I thinking?!? Puts things back into context and they end up being not so important.

(This one just makes me smile so I've added it for no other reason than that - god I'm strange at times)

Gin and Tonic is the Poison Tonight!

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-04 – 13:05:00

I do lack patience in most things, especially when I know what I want. I want M, a new fabulous job and a new home. Just like that!

Yesterday I was full of cheer and hope, planning the start of my new life. M and I were discussing on email and text our holiday plans for July. Brasil is proving to be expensive for flights so Italy with my friend is looking more likely. Ryanair are quoting £194 return for both of us. Bit of a difference to £1,500.

Last night I was out for curry with my boss, we'd both been promising we would go for months. The conversation was mainly work orientated and then he asked about home and how things were going with BF. I was very matter of fact about the whole situation. Still my final comment was that I know what I need to do but it's just the how and when - my usual answer and justification for still being in the same situation.

BF was acting a little strange last night; he proclaimed his tiredness when I asked him how his evening went with a prospective business partner and didn't want to talk. He still stayed down stairs long after I fell asleep and then slept in the front bedroom. Apparently he didn't want to wake me... He left abruptly this morning.

All was fine on the phone this morning, next door are planning an evening drinking and eating and they obviously invited him. Unfortunately I'm out. This seems to have perked him up.

I had an email waiting from M this morning. He's feeling horny and I'm busy. He calls not long after and we both sense something isn't quite right with my attitude and tone. I'm feeling very matter of fact, very nonchalant. I'm not getting worked up about things I don't have control over, if I end up on my own then that's the way it's meant to be.

He's taken aback. 'Is is because it's the weekend and I'm away' he asks cautiously . 'Probably. It's just how I'm feeling today'. He's worried now, there's no need to be though. He ponders some more and comes up with, 'Well I guess it's a taste of my own medicine'. I answer yes, but I didn't need to.

The conversation ends a little abruptly with a commitment to speak next week/Monday and he's gone. I feel bad for how the conversation ended, not for what I said. He's always a believer in telling each other how we feel but when it's not the really positive and nice stuff he's almost offended I'm like that.

I'm sat at my desk writing this and I'm happy. Not with my situation but the fact that I'm taking things how they come and not worrying and putting others feelings before mine.

Hmmm. I think I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and make the most of this new feeling. I was about to add 'as it won't last' but I've deleted it because that is looking forward and planning my thoughts and feelings and I'm not doing that today.

Lobster, Chocolate Cake and Shoes

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-02 – 23:21:00

BF is so predictable. I am rather curious as to why he is taking me out to our favourite restaurant, its not wildly expensive but its neither cheap. M is jealous... Thinks he's going to present me with a proposal and ring. I already have an engagement ring which I don't particularly wear and BF would never do anything like that anyway.

The journey into town is light and chatty about the days events and mainly his work. He's recently set up his own building firm with lots of help from two investors he previously worked for. He has a business partner who is frankly a knob who we discuss with venom - I won't go into the specifics but it was warranted.

We weren't sat in the best location for dinner but its just one of those places where you don't book and wait for the next table or share a table. We were in between a French couple and another couple on a date. The conversation was a little stilted, the music didn't help, just didn't feel natural. I was asking him questions and his opinion and all I got was 'I don't know' or the question redirected back to me. This isn't unusually by any means but just didn't feel right.

He asks for the bill and takes out a nice wad of notes.

'So you either got some money unexpectedly today or you felt really guilty about not getting me a card on Sunday' I ask smiling, a little smugly as well probably.

'I got paid for last week'

Right... He didn't feel guilty then.

The lobster was amazing and the zucchini fries spot on. All finished off with a warm slice of chocolate cake to share. The meal was satisfying, the conversation a non starter.

Another 'work from home' day today, I'm getting too used to these lie ins! I was woken by a message from the BF. 'Call me when you're awake'. That will be now then I say to myself. His business investor has been speaking to him about my situation and has offered my a position as a Negotiator in his estate agency. Not sure this is me but its something to research and look into plus if (I would have liked to have wrote 'when' there but I'm not an optimist really) things work out with M I'm not sure what state me and BF will be left in. Hmmm. More thinking required on that one.

I didn't get chance to talk today with M, although spent most of the morning emailing. We were both at home so the content didn't have to be restricted and led to a few hot moments, actually just one moment this time. The replies took far too long for it to be anything more. Bloody internet at times

.

I had a lunch arranged at work for this afternoon before I allocated my days off so I decided I would keep the date and use it as an opportunity to do a little shopping afterwards. I did find it all a bit weird, the conversation was very similar to last night - a non starter. I'm not sure how my colleagues are dealing with the news of redundancy, but these are my closest friends too. It all felt a bit distant. For me I've dealt with my negative emotions quickly, probably because it is opening doors with my private life as opposed to work life.

The shopping was successful for the most part. I'm looking for a dress for a wedding in May and its proving difficult but I did but some gorgeous shoes which I don't really need...

Back to work tomorrow, roll on the 9th June.

Happily Redundant

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-04-01 – 15:31:00

I need to calm down but I can't I'm too excited. I've got lots to get out of my head so I can digest what's happened yesterday.

Work
M
Neighbour 2/Stalker
BF

Work

The boss was out and there wasn't much doing apart from the rubbish I've been leaving for the past few weeks/months. I was killing time chatting to my team, general banter with the lads and mailing M.

At 10am we received a corporate email which sent shock waves round the office. There would be a meeting at 12pm which was mandatory to attend to talk about market conditions. This wasn't good news. I work for an investment bank who lend on sub prime mortgages.

They're closing the company, no more lending is possible to break even in the market. It was relief more than anything, certainly not a shock. The decision had been made, no waiting to see who would and wouldn't stay. All of us were off.

5 months salary plus any holiday owed, statutory entitlement would give me a nicely sum to keep me going as a manager.

M

This is our opportunity to make a new life together, if we let this pass by then there's no hope. Also it kind of gives us a time to work to. I think this will put a bit of pressure on M with the kids but it has to happen at some point if its me he wants.

Subject to the job situation and the outcome of the few I've already applied for, we want to spend a few weeks away once the money is safely deposited in my account. This should be at the end of June. Approximately 12 weeks on Friday, not that I'm counting...!

He's looking into setting up as a self employed mortgage broker which he's previously done before until it got too much while he was ill. He's planning too and we're both excited.

He's finding my excitement and outlook infectious, he keeps describing how our break away will go, our evenings in our home, all those things that make me feel warm inside and protected on the outside.

This is our chance, we both know it.

Neighbour 2/Stalker

He emails at the most inappropriate time, and I really don't want his sympathies. I tell him I'm not in the mood to chit chat today. He offers advice and help and I nastily ignored his kind offer. This morning I see an email from him, he'd seen my status on FB which was contrary to what I'd said to him earlier in the day. He's miffed and curt. He's apparently a 'friend' but seems I have to answer to him...

BF

His supportive words were, well you best start looking for something then... I arrived home after having a few drinks, I think I was expecting a card.

Nothing... This really sums up my relationship for me, makes my decision easier.

This afternoon he wants to take me out because it he didn't do anything on Sunday and to cheer me up. Problem is I'm as happy as ever. It's also made M a little bit jealous, not a bad thing!!

7 Years Today - Happy Anniversary!

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-31 – 10:38:00

I wrote this last night but didn't have the opportunity to post.

Today is our anniversary of the day we met. I'd bought him a card with a sketch of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, our first city break away, I still remember the day now. I didn't get anything apart from an apology and that he'd do something special tomorrow when he got paid. I knew he'd forget because i hadn't mentioned it.

We've spent most of the day having a clean up round the house. I must admit he does do his part of the cleaning but he's lazy when it comes to tidying away and throwing things out we don't need anymore or don't want. I find it therapeutic to throw things out, have things in the right place. At first it was an obsession but as the years past I've had to let things go or it would have cause me to have a break down!!

Its been a weird day in general, nothing from M at all, I didn't expect anything. I know things are going to be stirred up again tomorrow. At the time when we're together everything seems hopeful, like its worth all the feelings of doubt.

Yet again I'm upstairs on my own, probably feeling sorry for myself in some way. I'd told BF of a new dentist nearby as I'd noticed his tooth towards the back had broken off. He needs to get it sorted before it gets any worse. 'When I've got some money', he snaps back. Shame he doesn't save all the money he spends on his bloody PS3 and Wii games and spends in on looking after himself. Its not worth retaliating back. He doesn't want to discuss it so we wont and he cuts me dead. This happens whenever he doesn't want to talk about something.

Usually the following:

Smoking - he doesn't want to stop regardless of what it could do to his health.
Driving - money.
Money - he never has any.
Planning of any sort, holidays, family, etc - Most of it comes down to money but he won't plan to save to be able to start discussing these things.

How can I think we could survive a life time together when we can't communicate about the important things?! Or the small things for that amtter.

Don't worry I know the answer to that!

I don't think we are incapable of communicating, just that we fallen into the trap - if we don't discuss it, its not happening or a problem.

So why am I going over things I already know the answer to? Well, I asked M on Friday, 'If it wasn't for me would you leave?' The answer was 'No I would stay for the kids'. Can I do the same and work at what I've got already?

Tomorrow is another day with more unanswered questions I expect.