tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2009-11-11:/MokoFeed2009-11-11T09:45:55+01:00tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-06-23:/2008/06/23/time-for-reflection-4311675/NorthernAngel2008-06-23T12:17:00+02:002008-06-23T12:28:37+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Phew, were does time go?!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where I'm I up to in my life...?</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm official unemployed and is it depressing, well that's what I should be feeling if I wasn't feeling so numb about everything. My last day was a week ago and I since then I've had 4 calls and 1 text for assistance. Today was asking me to come in and sort some work! Hmmm, that went down like a led balloon as it was more of a demand.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last weekend was a trip back home for a family party for my Nan's 80th. Wasn't looking forward to the event. My parents seem to be just surviving at the moment. Dad is still trying to work on our relationship with calls left right and centre. As much as this is great, it is overbearing at times but I can't seem to tell him to back off.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I feel withdrawn and quiet, most of the conversations are about me and my job situation. I know people are just concerned but I don't want to talk about the fact the agency's never call you back or I'm just not quite what they want, not enough relevant experience, blah blah blah...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF decided he would drink the party dry, ignore my request to slow down with his drink and finally insult my family. He couldn't walk, talk and his eyes were rolling back into his head. Apparently that's him, that's what he's like. Final nail in the coffin.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This week my Aunt announced that she had to keep the flat rented out at the full market value. Another blow.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wrote this about 2 weeks but didn't have time to collect the rest of my thoughts.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Again highs and lows I can't seem to get a happy medium.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last week was a flurry of activity on the job front. I have a interview lined up for 9th July and I applied for a role last Monday and called for an interview on the Wednesday for the Thursday. Not a lot of time to prepare but I managed to get all the information I needed. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It was a two stage interview in the same day which was interesting. The first part was with the manager in the role and another manager in the business, if I was successful they would bring in the hiring manager for another interview. Good news! I was successful enough to see the hiring manager. It's the waiting which kills you but they want someone to start ASAP which I have in my favour.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M has finished his walk for charity and he's more positive as ever with our relationship and is wanting to find our new home. I love him being like this but there is just one obstacle after another at the moment.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Patience has never been my strong point... </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This feels better, I haven't realised how much this allows me to deal with some issues and move on.</span></span>     <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/06/23/time-for-reflection-4311675/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-05-22:/2008/05/22/title-4208257/NorthernAngel2008-05-22T17:20:17+02:002008-05-22T17:23:20+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A week today I'm seeing M. It's been a while. End of March, in the hotel, is the last time he held me.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want to enjoy the few hours we have together. Holding hands, kissing, some lunch, shopping, those little things you normal take for granted. I think this will be the last time we see each other before the time comes.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It will be 3 weeks tomorrow of constant positivity and not changing his mind. This is something he tells me every day. He feels stronger than ever.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's doing his charity walk in June and will be away for 2 weeks, he says he'll be in contact when he can which I didn't expect.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I still have that doubt that he'll find it to hard to leave the girls but he knows no words can make that disappear until he's there in my flat.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Work is painful, agency's are useless and I'm panicking. I think I'm going to do a quick speed typing course. I average about 40 wpm but I could do with being at least 60 wpm. Its a very flexible course up in Holborn and reasonably priced. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Bank Holiday looks like its going to be uneventful. BF has confirmed he's working the Saturday and Monday. Great...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Oh yes. My little story of the week. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last weekend I was checking off my items on my account and noticed a refund on a dress hadn't credited my account yet. This was over a week.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I visited the store I returned it to for the 'assistant' (there was nothing assisting about it!) said:</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"They've had issues with the line and could take up to 3 weeks, you'll just have to wait."</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"I can't check anything, you'll have to speak to your bank and wait for it to go in."</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"If you call Customer Services they will help you."</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Finally.... The best bit.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"If you complain to Customer Services and tell them how angry you are etc blah blah, you'll get some free stuff..." This was the last straw.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I documented this all into a to the point email and letter and sent it off to their complaints department.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The following day lo and behold the money is promptly credited to my account and my email is acknowledge to say its been passed onto the Area Manager. Great.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The call came yesterday and the Area Manager apologised profusely and explained the situation, and would like to send me some vouchers!! It was a bit of a joke as she'd seen the email and what the assistant had said. This wasn't my reason for complaining, just the lack of anyone willing to help. Still I wasn't about to turn them down when I have my eye on a lovely maxi dress...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm never one to stand in a shop arguing and I didn't. Why should I have to arguing for some customer service? </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm just second guessing the amount now... I'm thinking £20. Not bad for a email and a stamp.</span></span>   <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/title-4208257/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-05-17:/2008/05/17/mountains-to-climb-4186548/NorthernAngel2008-05-17T17:12:00+02:002008-05-17T17:12:30+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I can't sum up where I am at the moment. Every direction of my life seems to be in limbo.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I don't understand why I haven't had the motivation to write my thoughts and events on here recently either. Anyone shed any light??!!  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Anyway...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The job hunt is tiring and very demotivating. Its a tough market out there . I'd prepared, done all my research and showcased my work in a presentation pack. Still I didn't get the second interview I wanted this week. It also feels like you have to constantly chase the agency's which there is a fine line between pro-active and bloody desperate! </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M has been perfect apart from the fact he's not with me! It's been two weeks of positivity for him and he's planning and focused on July.  He's been supportive of my up and down moods this week - brave guy! I do still share my cautious side with him and he understands this until he's knocking on my door with bags in hand. We talk about our first weekend together. Its nice to have plans regardless of whether we follow them through or just stay in-doors and order take away! He's free to chat on Sunday, a rarity. I guess its only weeks away until he has to break the news to his kids, that will be the make or break of us.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My new home will be a fresh start with or without M. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Talking to my Mum yesterday confirmed I was doing the right thing. I can't continue living with BF. We hardly communicate and when we do its not about the important that matters. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF has let me down more than usual, I would very much like not to deal with what's happened with my parents and with the distance I could but this is life and this is my family. He just ignores it hoping it will sort its self out. I also had confirmation that when my Mum came down and he woke us up at 2:40am he had been doing coke. I've done drugs myself and not judging that but my Mum was here in the house. For me its a complete lack of respect for me and my family.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There has been many events, particularly recently, I've had to hold my tongue and its too late now to drag them back to present. They are there in my head annoying me though. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The conversation with Mum yesterday was about her first session with the counsellor. There were good and bad points that came out, and some frighteningly similar to me and BF. I don't want to end up like that and this spurred me on to contact my Auntie today to confirm my intentions and that I definitely want the flat. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I also spoke to my Dad last night, he tells me he's low but aren't we all is my response. Its hard to be compassionate with somethings. He tells me how he felt about the counseling and he thought it was very good and the counsellor herself was good. She must be good, it takes a lot to impress my Dad. It also takes me by surprise as my Mums comments on what she thought he thought was to the contrary. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He thought it was a step forward until yesterday afternoon when Mum called him to say they should send separate cards to my Sister for her birthday. This makes he think they are taking a back step as they agreed earlier on in the week that they would do the same as normal. He said that her reason was that they wasn't a couple anymore. I am surprised by my Mum, I thought she might have considered how it would affect my Sister.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm going home 7th June for a family birthday, I really don't know what that will have in store...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As usual we have no plans for the weekend and I don't have the motivation to suggest something that doesn't involve computers, drinking, smoking or socialising in the garden. Thank god for sky + and books!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I feel better now.  </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/05/17/mountains-to-climb-4186548/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-05-12:/2008/05/12/is-there-more-to-life-than-tv-computer-g-4161580/NorthernAngel2008-05-12T10:46:00+02:002008-05-12T17:17:25+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Answer on a post card please...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Hmmm. Its been a mixed week. I was finally back in the office on Thursday which helped to give me a distraction from the god awful mess happening around me. Fairly uneventful as you can imagine as the company is drawing to a close. Not long now, just 4 weeks until I receive my notice of redundancy. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've secured 2 interviews next week with another possible one on its way. Tomorrows one is a good location but my Mum's comments left me a bit unsure, she says I'm too good for the position after reading the description. In all honesty she's right, the amount of staff management (the bit I'm good at!) is a lot less than I would like. Not sure keeping the kitchen area tidy is something that can keep me occupied.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Wednesdays is more to do with my sector - Financial Services and more management focused. Although they did say they would be some admin work to do within the team. Hmmm, they obviously haven't had the right manager yet! Location will be great when I move to the opposite end of London too. They're only interview me and another person so very promising. I like interviews and have a little winning folder I present at the end, hasn't failed yet...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Lastly the one I'm waiting to hear sounds challenging and interesting. Location is poor.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">After a slow start the job hunt is coming together but looks like I'm going to have to compromise somewhere but I haven't decided one what yet, all depends on whether they offer me anything first.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That's the good bit...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Mum is doing OK, she's suggested to Dad some counseling which he has book for next Thursday. In the meantime it's fairly tense at home. Mum is hardly talking and Dad is calling me a lot. Today he need some advice from BF and he depressingly mentioned Mum had gone out to my aunts and he was home alone again. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want to help them but its hard. Still doesn't seem real but I'm not holding my breath they can make this work.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF just hasn't a clue. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Friday, Saturday and today he's spent the majority of his time out with the neighbours. Friday because I was out with work until 10pm, fair enough. Yesterday since we got back from the market so about 12/1pm and today watching the football. In between he's watched TV or played on the computer.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm bored of this crap. I'm bored of talking about him. I also know that this is the extent of the summer to come if I was to stay.    </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">And finally M.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Thursday was our first in depth conversation for a while. It became frustrating and in a nutshell he announced in far too many words that it was time to walk away. I'd done playing games and acknowledged it with one word. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"Fine."</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I think this made him realise I've had enough of the games and declaration of love. I'm tired of waiting for something that seems like it will never happen. Apparently my lack of contact and distance has made him realise he has to do something. Also apparently July is when it will all happen, after I settle into my job, should I get one, and moved into the flat.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I don't know if I care anymore! No I do care but the time when enough is enough is drawing near. He knows this and I confirmed it.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It is Monday now, I wrote the above on a very bad day and today is clearer.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I spoke to M for about an hour. He is still adamant and sure of his plan. He doesn't want to be without me and home is getting less and less bearable. I humor him and take it with a pinch of salt, he said he knows I will only believe him when he's on the doorstep with his bags - he's right! </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Now I have to focus on my job hunt and interview technique.</span></span>   <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/05/12/is-there-more-to-life-than-tv-computer-g-4161580/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-05-06:/2008/05/06/a-river-of-tears-4140976/NorthernAngel2008-05-06T23:53:00+02:002008-05-06T23:54:05+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm not sure why I haven't been able to post for the last couple of weeks, scared of putting of this mess into print I guess. Not sure I've been in a state of mind to construct sentences, think it might have just been random words not making any sense - even to me! It's like my lips are tapes shut and if I let them part the words would fall out like a river.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've had my Mum stay with me for a week, not sure it helped apart from take her away from the tense environment she's living in - feels like I let her down not encouraging her to talk more. I cooked and looked after her while she busied herself with a bit of cleaning and we painted the living room together. Dad has been in contact a few times, text, email and phone. He made me feel responsible in some way for 'convincing' Mum to keep us all together. I really don't think he has a clue and is just mortified at being found out and me and my Sister knowing. He didn't want Mum to tell us! Selfish bastard.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've just come back from the bank holiday weekend at home as we were invited to my old school friends wedding. Unfortunately not the best time to be having to stay there. It was bearable and I think Mum tried to make it easy as possible, again putting everyone else before her.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tonight Mum told me that they are going to their first counseling session next week, Dad booked it today. I hope it works to help them communicate better regardless whether it keeps them together.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There's so much still bottled up inside me and I don't know what direction I need to let this out in.  My mind won't switch off at night and my dreams wake me more than usual. I'm not sure where to direct my energy - job, relationship or family?! They all need urgent attention.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I have felt a need to distance myself from M, not only through the pure guilt and disgust at my actions but to see if my feelings are still as strong. We last had contact on Friday, he was off to the family caravan for the bank holiday and I'd promised to be in touch Wednesday/Thursday the week following. 3 emails today on my work blackberry today! As usual all the right words said. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Not sure how long this is going to last, not sure how long I want this to last. Its been a hard lesson learnt by my own family been torn apart by lies and infidelity. It hurts like hell.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Difficult times ahead and its all sent to try us and make us stronger - aren't those the things people say?!... Hope some good comes out of it all. </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/05/06/a-river-of-tears-4140976/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-24:/2008/04/24/a-horrible-mess-4091057/NorthernAngel2008-04-24T23:03:00+02:002008-04-24T23:03:26+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Not sure I can believe yet what I'm about to write, in fact I can feel the nausea rising up my body.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Sunday was going to be about looking to the future and where I would be living to do that. Despite M skirting around the subject I was looking to my future whether he was part of it or not.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That was before my Sister called.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Asking if everything was OK I expected the usual answer of yes, but it wasn't. She was choosing her words carefully or just finding the right ones that were about to shatter everything.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its Mum and Dad.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My whole body is shaking, what? What? What?</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Her exact words, I think were... </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'Well you know when we (Sister and Mum) were in Brasil and Dad went to Rome. He didn't go alone, he went with another women'</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">If I had been stood up I would have collapsed to the floor at this point. I couldn't take this in, this wasn't happening. Mum didn't want to call and tell me because I had enough to worry about with my job. My Sister thought different and rightly so, it must have been horrible for her to have to tell me.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">She wants him gone. She can't forget what he's done and doesn't want to end up bitter and resentful.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF must have realised it wasn't a good conversation and was at the bedroom door. I shove the phone in his hands because I can't hold the tears back anymore.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I was in the process of getting ready to leave the house to meet my auntie. I had to pull myself together.  Lunch was surreal but I just keep it together. She doesn't know anything and its not for me to break the news, plus I need speak to Mum first. I leave for home knowing I'll be moving out and into her flat in July.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I am beside myself with thoughts of my broken family and I retreat into myself. Up to now BF has really had many words to say to me and when I hide away upstairs he asks what he's done wrong. I can't control my anger at him. I know he hasn't a clue what to say but I'm not going to be all happy and smiles not know what the hell is happening to my family. It sums him up and makes me decision to leave all the more the right one.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've managed to calm down when G text me. He asked the previous night if I wanted to go round for a drink. I was non committal and said it depended on my day plans.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'it would be easier to meet the Pope then get to chat with you for an hour'</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That was it, the step too far. I requested BF contact him to ask him to give me some space to deal with some news I'd had. It finally worked. This is the least of my worries...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I was due in work Monday but I couldn't face it, I knew I had to call Mum and couldn't do that at work. She beat me to it but I daren't answer. BF came home while I called back. It was the most painful call ever. I wanted to be strong for her but there were times when I couldn't hold my emotions in. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its all a mess. She's worried about the practicalities of living on her own and an income. Not to mention what it's done to me and my Sister. We talk about her visiting for a while as I'm on leave and she's booked to come down on Saturday until Thursday.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My head is spinning. I flit from the pain my Mum is in to my Dad and the slut he did this with to me and what I'm doing with M. The slut was a silly mistake, someone he met in the internet (no surprise there) but wants to work things out with Mum. A mistake he had planned since at least October last year. Mum found the flight details, no denying it. Of course he did until she showed him the evidence. He thinks if he deletes all the evidence etc they can go back to how they were. Now that's silly to think that!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tuesday I'd offered to help my auntie at the hospital. She's having a minor procedure but under a general. It's a long day only to find out BF has fucked off to the pub with next door because he couldn't get hold of me. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bang.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That's the final nail in the coffin BF has just made.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M has been supportive as much has he can be at 100 miles away but we talk and talk and says the right things. All those things you want to hear when you're hurting.  I feel disgusted with myself that I'm carrying on contact with him knowing how much hurt this causes families. No more Christmas together, no more all those little things that make our family what we are. This was the only thing stable in my life and I feel like I have nothing at the moment.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today has been hard. Dad tried calling at work, then my mobile twice, then work again. He leaves a voicemail. He states the obvious that I probably don't want to talk to him but he needs my help to sort out the 'problem'. I text him I can't talk at work I'll talk later. He wants to know what time. I let him know when I'll be free for him to suggest lunch time. I need to be at home for this conversation, but he doesn't realise this until I point it out to him.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M calms me before the expected call. It's short and to the point. He wants my help but I'm not here to take sides I want to help them both. I'll talk with him more tomorrow. He loves me and I love him back, I don't remember when he last told me that. My parents have never been one to say those words it always been assumed. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I am scared of how this will affect all our lives and will take an awful lot of time to mend whatever the final decision.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It's just such a shock and a horrible mess.</span></span>   <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/24/a-horrible-mess-4091057/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-17:/2008/04/17/pillow-talk-and-tears-4058466/NorthernAngel2008-04-17T19:50:00+02:002008-04-17T22:33:46+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's breaking me. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He says the right things, he loves me, we'll be together, he's never felt like this before - physically or mentally and many more. So why are we miles apart and no where near being together?</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Because of his baggage that's why. I know that. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wouldn't nor couldn't tell him when or how he should tell them he's leaving but it's getting hard, I manage to whisper as the tears well up, running down my cheeks.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He thinks he's upset me and he can't get off the phone quick enough, asks me to call him in the morning. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want him to see this side of me, I'm not a naturally strong person - just stupid when it comes to men! Dealing with this while still living with BF, the job situation and not to forget the bloody annoying neighbour is hard and I don't think I can carry on much longer. My own fault of course!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I kinda (no kinda I wanted him to!) hoped he'd text to make sure I'm OK but nothing. Perhaps he thinks I'm putting this on. I am capable but these are real tears of sadness. </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/17/pillow-talk-and-tears-4058466/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-17:/2008/04/17/decisions-decisions-4057609/NorthernAngel2008-04-17T16:58:00+02:002008-04-17T22:45:41+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've been a little scared to write the events of the last couple of days, seeing it in black and white highlights the reality of the situation.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tuesday resulted in a short and not very constructive phone call between me and M. He rattled off his reasons for not being in touch. A mixture of sorting out the car with his previous job, walking in Wales over the weekend and starting his new job. He hasn't been avoiding me, apparently. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yep all legitimate and reasonable but still... How long does it take to text and tell me?!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He cleverly detects the lack of compassion in my voice which was not very well disguised and he declares that he just messes everything up. We agree to talk later but nothing. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yesterday was restless. I was on my 'work form home' day and there was silence, nothing from M, nothing on the job front, and sh*t on the TV. I did manage to find a running club to join and my dance teacher finally got in touch to arrange a lesson. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Just as a side line to the, no doubt, boring and predictable M situation, I take private dance lessons at a studio in London. My teacher is brilliant, encouraging and pushes me to my limit. She's just done the Sugababes tour so will have lots of inspiration for our new routines. I love dancing, I taken lessons since I was 3 had a break in my early 20's and been back for 2 years. That would be my dream job.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Back to yesterday, I tried calling more times than I care to declare to finally get a response to say he can't have his mobile on in the office and that he'd seen the calls and texts and knows what's coming. He's tired and can't face it right now. He'll call after 6pm.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We talk through the things which are stressing him.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">1. Work. They seem to be very much like his previous one - dodgy. He's working until 6 and then has a 30 mile drive home. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">2. He's suppose to be doing a sponsored walk for the hospital he was in when he had cancer and the training is not going well. He was f*cked after one day of a 17 mile session when he has to average 22 miles to complete the walk in 2 weeks. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">3. The recent trip back to hospital brought back memories of the cancer.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The only thing that keeps him going is me. Its great to hear but how can I believe that when he shuts me out. He feels better after talking with me and it focus his mind on the positives again. He forgets I want to help him through the bad times just as much as enjoying the good times we've spent together. <br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We spoke again this morning. He feels better. I encourage him to rethink the walking and postpone for a while. No point in ending up in hospital. He's not committed to a date just that he wants to do something to give back to the hospital which helped him. One less thing to stress about until he's ready and fit to do it.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The job is a difficult one. I hate being in a job I hate and make rash decisions to get out as soon as possible. He has to weigh up the benefit of taking time to find the right one, money at the end of the month and the stress its causing him. Not to mention the petrol cost.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The depression; I can't even began to relate to how having cancer would change you. My Auntie survived ovarian cancer 8 years ago and has given her a very positive outlook on life and is now living in Brazil. Everyone is different in how they handle things.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He tells me he keeps looking for signs and he's made the right decision - me. He confessed to his brother -in-law at the weekend about me and how to deal with telling the kids. I see this as a good sign but the lack of conviction in things I ask him worries me still.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've asked him today to think about where he see us in the next 3 months and if the doubt out ways the want to be with me I need to know. I'm seeing my Auntie on Sunday and will discuss the option of renting her flat until she sells it. This would mean not renewing the current tenants lease so I don't want to start something that was never going to happen.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There's been enough talking and sharing of dreams of the future, I need a little action now.  </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/17/decisions-decisions-4057609/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-14:/2008/04/14/title-4045238/NorthernAngel2008-04-14T22:31:00+02:002008-04-14T22:48:11+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I want to be strong, really I do. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. I'm agitated, waiting for that beep of a message to tell me everything is OK. It's all just a misunderstanding but 4 full days of nothing doesn't bring that hope anymore.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I called first this morning, ringing out to the sound of the answer phone clicked in. I couldn't listen to the words recorded to greet me. The follow up text hasn't been responded to either.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Going back to yesterday, Sunday, we had a 'good' day. I say it like that because I'm not really sure what is good anymore. We'd been into London, got rained on the whole time we were there and then it stopped as we boarded the train. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Opening the front door a gorgeous aroma of meat cooking slowly made us groan in delight. Eating the meat and potato pie was even more delicious than it smelt. The suet pastry was the best I've ever made it. We also cleared 2 bottles of wine between us. I don't recall the time but it occurred to me I hadn't thought of M for the majority of the day. Not sure if that was a good thing or not. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I'm consumed by him again. I cave in and try to contact him. Anything back would be nice. Even 'piss off'! NOTHING. I don't think it has helped that I've been on my own for the most of the day with my thoughts. Wild thoughts have ran through my brain, has he had an accident? Is his family OK? I check out his myspace blog and it confirms he last logged in yesterday, then I check his Facebook (limited profile as we can't be friends...) the number of friends has increased meaning activity in the last 4 days.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">To top my day off G has been harassing me. Here's today's:</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">G:</span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Are you behaving yourself?</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">me:</span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Yes</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">G:</span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I expect you've been out jogging? NOT</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">me:</span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I consider going to interviews more important at the moment.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">G:</span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">... Christ you're secretive. Hope they went well</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It continues by a few more texts but its just shit and not worthy of recalling now. He's testing me and I will snap fairly soon. I know it's his humor but its not even funny. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Things to focus on this week...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Following up on all the interview/registrations that I've attended </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Make firm arrangements for meeting up with S (Auntie) on Sunday</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Enjoy the fact I'm off again on Wednesday and Thursday - DO NOT WALLOW IN SELF PITY</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Find a local running club.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">That will do for now.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I am going to keep strong and repeat those words in my head when I need some hope to cling onto - thank you fairplay </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/graysmilewinkgrin.gif" border="0" alt=""></span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/14/title-4045238/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-12:/2008/04/12/nothing-hurts-4035442/NorthernAngel2008-04-12T20:32:00+02:002008-04-12T20:32:54+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I have that sicken feeling in the pit of my stomach that rises into my chest and the back of my throat. I can't decide whether that's down to the lack of communication from M or the amount of taffy I've consumed. Bit of both I expect.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The final part of our conversation on Thursday was that he was driving home to talk to a contact about a new job and to email me. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Nothing. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Friday. Nothing, nothing all day or evening.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I last text Friday morning as I set off for my interview at the agency. Nothing. He's away at the caravan all weekend with only his brother-in-law training for his walk in June. Still nothing. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I don't understand. Why no contact? Is something wrong? Up to now there's always been an explanation, usually after the event. I expect there's one Monday too. Nothing dramatic like the ones whirling round my head. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I still don't understand. He professes I'm constantly on his mind and pressing send and receive waiting for my replies on email, especially if he thinks he's said the wrong thing. He's always waiting for that message from me. So why doesn't he let me know, even if its just, 'difficult to talk I'll be in touch'. But I get nothing. He knows how this makes me feel but doesn't alleviate this.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">For me his words don't match his actions, well, lack of actions. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There are times when I feel like walking away and starting again with everything. Make things simple for myself. Selfish I know, but still I hate how I've made my life so complicated. I have to take account for my actions and I'm getting closer to ending it (with M and BF). I've told M before he's made me feel like ending this to see what he's reaction is but I don't want to do this. If I do it's for real. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It's definitely the taffy, my teeth are covered in sugar and I feel like I'm having a rush. Least I've got this off my chest, I can park all these nonsense feelings until I have the facts to deal with.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BTW  the taffy was apple sour with a peanut butter centre all the way from Canada. A present from G. I fallen in love with it!! </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" border="0" alt=""></span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/12/nothing-hurts-4035442/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-12:/2008/04/12/one-word-meme-4033862/NorthernAngel2008-04-12T13:19:00+02:002008-04-12T13:19:56+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where is your mobile phone? Sofa</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your significant other? Working</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your hair? Glossy</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your Mother? Mad</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your Father? Hero</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your favourite thing? Phone</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your dream last night? Coloured</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your favourite drink? Champagne</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your dream/goal? Love</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The room you're in? Front</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your ex? Forgotten</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your fear? Pain</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where do you want to be in 6 years time? Content</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where were you last night? Home</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">What you're not? Courageous</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">One of your wish list items? Family</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Where you grew up? Sheffield</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The last thing you did? Text</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">What are you wearing? PJ's</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your TV? On</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your pets? None</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your computer? Used</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your life? Complicated</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your Mood? Apprehensive</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Missing someone? Always</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your car? Sold</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Something you're not wearing? Knickers</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Favourite store? Reiss</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Your summer? Laughing</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You're favourite colour? Black</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last time you laughed? Yesterday</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last time you cried? March </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/12/one-word-meme-4033862/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-10:/2008/04/10/checking-in-4025601/NorthernAngel2008-04-10T14:51:00+02:002008-04-10T14:51:20+02:00 <p>I feel bad if I don't post at least once a day as this is my self prescribed therapy until further notice. So I'm checking in with myself.</p> <p>No really change with work, still nothing to keep me occupied for a full 8 hours, not even 2.  Although I have found an online course to type correctly but it has reduced my speed to 5 words per minute!</p> <p>G (the neighbor) is back and already annoying me. Yesterdays little message at 8:15 was...</p> <p>'Very Pretty' </p> <p>This was in relation to my outfit. Yes he really does stand outside his window when I'm due to go to work to look at what I'm wearing.</p> <p>Today it took G until 12:47 (I lost the bet with M that he would email before 1pm) to email. He managed to put his foot in it with commenting on my free time to which I replied it's a perk of being made redundant (you prick). Good excuse to terminate the conversation.</p> <p>More of the same with M today, general chit chat. He's had a few calls from agency's over the past two days so things are looking up until he was 'asked to leave with immediate effect' at 1pm today. The company he worked for was a little dodgy so its not a bad thing.</p> <p>And that's it... </p> <p>I'm off tomorrow and have agency interview plus I've had another call from one today which has made me giggle some what. </p> <p>I have a girl on my team who is a little challenging to manage at times, in a nutshell; she's spoilt and doesn't take 'positive' feedback well. She was complaining that an agency has declined her CV due to the current market and the volumes of candidates they have already they will not taking on anyone else. I was called by the same agency today asking if I was still looking for work... I think they missed off that they were only interested in quality candidates. </p> <p>Checking out and fingers crossed for tomorrow.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/10/checking-in-4025601/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-08:/2008/04/08/cars-trucks-and-freaky-family-4018249/NorthernAngel2008-04-08T22:37:00+02:002008-04-08T22:38:33+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Nothing; despite pressing send and received for the 100th time this morning. No email declaring he'd done the deed, left his wife and was on his way to get me.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I had to know so initiated the conversation. 10 minutes and no reply. Now I'm thinking all sorts. Perhaps he's not in work, I can't text because she might be with him. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Bloody hell.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Ping.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I flinch opening the mail, scared of what words would greet me. The first line tugs at my heart. I've took his breath away, the present, more so the card and my words. It was all a bit waffly and it wasn't penned in the most romantic of settings, the post office, where I poured my heart out. I just wished I'd bought a bigger card, I ended up writing on the envelope! </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He says everything was quiet at home, the girls were out and she never really spoke to him, apart from whatever he does its down to him. Clever lady; she won't throw him out, he has to be the one who chooses to leave her and the girls. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He does refer to her by her name quite often, it strikes me where I feel all the guilt. He does that today, refer to her by name. He sometimes refer to BF by his name. I can't. It makes it real, a name. I know I can't erase his past and wouldn't want to. I know I can't expect not to hear or see that familiarity but it just highlights the little time we have spent together.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm right (women are always right </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/060lol.gif" border="0" alt="">), time is getting short and decisions are almost upon us. But that's it really, no answers. But he doesn't have them yet, there's no point in asking sometimes. The remainder of the day is light to some point.  Tomorrow is another day and he's got his bloods tomorrow, plus he'll have his full results of his last bone marrow. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last night BF was the first to sponsor me for the race, £25. Things like this make me feel guilty as hell. His little comment was 'go for it babe'. My parents have also. The comments look like I'm from a freak family!! Dad says his money is all in pennies, all £25, and Mum says its from the mad women. Jesus, do they not realise they are shown publicly??? Makes me smile though. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We (BF) joked about that the stalker neighbour who would surely sponsor me on his return and would probably pledge more to look good with me - this was coming from the BF.  Kinda surprised me at the acknowledgment of the stalkers underlying intentions but we were laughing all the same.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Seconds after our conversation, the neighbour text (hmmm, need an initial for him. G. There). </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'You don't know who drove into my car I suppose?' </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Is he accusing me? I thought. Turns out it was a tow truck taking away someone's porsche. I must admit I did giggle to myself and with BF. I saw the damage on the way home, a nice big scrape all the way down to the metal. Whoopsie!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In the middle of the text conversation I'd had with G he added a </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'Ps. You didn't fancy the first BBQ of the season?' </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He was referring to the Friday night session in the garden where BF got completely out of it. He'd only been back in the country hours and he's had the full run down of the Mews.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've got to move out.</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/08/cars-trucks-and-freaky-family-4018249/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-07:/2008/04/07/highs-and-lows-4012747/NorthernAngel2008-04-07T23:32:00+02:002008-04-07T23:33:15+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The thought of dragging myself into work today didn't fill me with joy, the prospect of having nothing to do all day is exhausting and soul destroying.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M's first email of the day was to the point. I'd text late last night, knowing he usually switches his phone off for it to be read by his wife. Boy did I feel bad. He says its been brewing but I was the catalyst and I could have avoid it for him. He debated tell the girls at the weekend and even tonight he feels its nearly there but he's not as brave as he thought he was. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There's still something between us, I know its me. I'm putting up the barriers in readiness for the knock back. I'm not 100% sure its coming but I can't take that chance. I can't let him hurt me.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'd been keep a Smythson note book I'd order for him at Christmas with his initials engraved. Its red with gold lettering and very me. I found a little card and bought a oyster card and wallet (for visits to me). I thought I would send it up to his work for him to open tomorrow. I loving giving gifts I've picked out for people I care for, I like seeing their faces. I won't see his face but I'll know when I speak to him, his voice gives a lot away. My message said I thought we were coming to a cross roads and decisions will be made and I'm not sure of the outcome. So this might be a little memory of me and wanted it to be sexy (its red leather) and chic (expensive!).  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Our last conversation of the day he said two things which I don't know what to make of this evening. There's room at his Mum's now she's not moving, which would be ideal for the moment being close to the girls. Secondly when I'd asked if he was in tomorrow he said yes but might not later in the week if he moved out, he wouldn't be up to going to work. But these are words and words get twisted and scenarios built round them in your head when they aren't your words. Reality is, I'm miles away and have no idea what's happening.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So the waiting game continues...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On a happier note I registered on a recruitment agency website and I had a call!! Its for an Office Manager, perfect. The interview with the agency is on Friday and all being well my details will be forward to the prospect client and maybe my new employer. One slight issue... Its based near Selfridges on Oxford Street... My favourite store. Ouch I can hear my credit card screaming already. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I must admit I've picked out a few items for purchasing with my little windfall due in June. They comprise of a couple of classic pieces from Reiss and a Mui Mui bag I spotted on ASOS. That's £500 gone already!!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Apart from being hopeless in relationships I love clothes and shopping and piecing items together. I like to buy a couple of classic and demur pieces a few times a year. Usually a couple of dresses, a decent coat and fab shoes. This year I've already treated myself to a gorgeous Anna Sui coat in the sale from net-a-porter, ball hurting shoes and a fitted dress.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I shan't go on as I'll be dreaming bags and shoes all night!!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Until tomorrow, I'm sure there'll be something to tell either confirmation of what I'm feeling or sheer panic that he's left (panic in a good way I will add!).</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/07/highs-and-lows-4012747/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-06:/2008/04/06/addictive-and-annoying-but-fun-try-it-yo-4004648/NorthernAngel2008-04-06T20:44:00+02:002008-04-06T20:51:03+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.miniclip.com/games/bloxorz/en/"><span class="Apple-style-span">www.miniclip.com/games/bloxorz/en/</span></a><br></span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/06/addictive-and-annoying-but-fun-try-it-yo-4004648/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-05:/2008/04/05/back-down-to-earth-4000865/NorthernAngel2008-04-05T23:16:00+02:002008-04-05T23:16:50+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wasn't sure I had much to write so I've left it until now. I sometimes start these entries thinking that they are going to be relatively short but they never are. I have a feeling this one is one of those.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As Friday afternoon drew to an end I'd become increasing agitated with the horrendous lack of work. As I was preparing to leave for a few drinks my boss and GBF dropped out at the last minute. Actually I was tempted just to head home myself now. Within a split second I was.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF was surprised to see me and I was off-hand with him for no real reason other than M hadn't got back in contact. So much for my patience of earlier... Typical me. After a few mutter words between us I head off to bed. By 8pm he was itching to go out, he had to go because the neighbours had bought extra food so he couldn't let them down... But it is OK when it's me I said silently in my head.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My boss text to say he'd received a call from a slightly tipsy informant who'd been at the engagement drinks I was due to go to. The groom to be had set off a fire extinguisher and ended up being cautioned by the police. The bride to be was not impressed!! This will be the hot topic on Monday, might make the day go quicker!! </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF comes back in around 10pm for something, oh yes, his ipod connection because they wanted some music. Then I'm rudely awaken by him creeping around the room for his trousers for money, apparently, I don't believe him. Then I can hear shouting from downstairs, I can't make out the words but it sounds like baby. I end up shouting his name as I walk down to see what's going on, I wasn't sure what to expect. He's completely out of it sat on the sofa. Looks like he's been on the computer but I'm not 100%. I'm wide awake and its 3am. I'm well pissed off by this point. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's been in bed until early afternoon and comes into the bedroom like nothing happened, not that I'm sure what went on. I don't ask and he doesn't offer any information on the evenings events.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">My Mum is back today from her 2 week break in Brasil. She sounds awful on the phone, she's been ill for most of the holiday. Her rendition of the 2 weeks doesn't sound too good in all aspects, then we finally get round to discussing the work situation and BF. She thinks we're going through a bad patch, I can't bring myself to tell her it might be a permanent bad patch that we don't recover from but she glosses over it and doesn't want to get involved I sense. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've spent most of the day in bed and when I finally manage to drag myself out and sit down stairs with BF he falls asleep. I can't hide my annoyance so I take myself off back up stairs to write this. BF has just come up and asked to turn the lights down, I give him a non committal shrug and he says he'll go in the front room. One part of me is glad, the other I just want to shout at him.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I can't shake this heavy feeling I have today, part is probably hormonal so hopefully it will pass tomorrow. I expect Sunday will bring more doom and gloom as I feel like I've held back my annoyance and anger today and it has to come out sometime. This helps though, writing down my thoughts so I can come back to them and read them in the cold light of day and thinking - what was I thinking?!? Puts things back into context and they end up being not so important. </span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_wave.gif" border="0" alt=""> (This one just makes me smile so I've added it for no other reason than that - god I'm strange at times)</span></span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/05/back-down-to-earth-4000865/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-04:/2008/04/04/title-3991515/NorthernAngel2008-04-04T13:05:00+02:002008-04-04T13:07:30+02:00 <p>I do lack patience in most things, especially when I know what I want. I want M, a new fabulous job and a new home. Just like that! </p> <p>Yesterday I was full of cheer and hope, planning the start of my new life.  M and I were discussing on email and text our holiday plans for July. Brasil is proving to be expensive for flights so Italy with my friend is looking more likely. Ryanair are quoting £194 return for both of us. Bit of a difference to £1,500.</p> <p>Last night I was out for curry with my boss, we'd both been promising we would go for months. The conversation was mainly work orientated and then he asked about home and how things were going with BF. I was very matter of fact about the whole situation. Still my final comment was that I know what I need to do but it's just the how and when - my usual answer and justification for still being in the same situation.</p> <p>BF was acting a little strange last night; he proclaimed his tiredness when I asked him how his evening went with a prospective business partner and didn't want to talk. He still stayed down stairs long after I fell asleep and then slept in the front bedroom. Apparently he didn't want to wake me... He left abruptly this morning. </p> <p>All was fine on the phone this morning, next door are planning an evening drinking and eating and they obviously invited him. Unfortunately I'm out. This seems to have perked him up. </p> <p>I had an email waiting from M this morning. He's feeling horny and I'm busy. He calls not long after and we both sense something isn't quite right with my attitude and tone. I'm feeling very matter of fact, very nonchalant. I'm not getting worked up about things I don't have control over, if I end up on my own then that's the way it's meant to be.</p> <p>He's taken aback. 'Is is because it's the weekend and I'm away' he asks cautiously . 'Probably. It's just how I'm feeling today'. He's worried now, there's no need to be though. He ponders some more and comes up with, 'Well I guess it's a taste of my own medicine'. I answer yes, but I didn't need to. </p> <p>The conversation ends a little abruptly with a commitment to speak next week/Monday and he's gone. I feel bad for how the conversation ended, not for what I said. He's always a believer in telling each other how we feel but when it's not the really positive and nice stuff he's almost offended I'm like that.</p> <p>I'm sat at my desk writing this and I'm happy. Not with my situation but the fact that I'm taking things how they come and not worrying and putting others feelings before mine.</p> <p>Hmmm. I think I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and make the most of this new feeling. I was about to add 'as it won't last' but I've deleted it because that is looking forward and planning my thoughts and feelings and I'm not doing that today. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/04/title-3991515/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-02:/2008/04/02/lobster-chocolate-cake-and-shoes-3988374/NorthernAngel2008-04-02T23:21:00+02:002008-04-02T23:21:41+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF is so predictable. I am rather curious as to why he is taking me out to our favourite restaurant, its not wildly expensive but its neither cheap. M is jealous... Thinks he's going to present me with a proposal and ring. I already have an engagement ring which I don't particularly wear and BF would never do anything like that anyway. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The journey into town is light and chatty about the days events and mainly his work. He's recently set up his own building firm with lots of help from two investors he previously worked for. He has a business partner who is frankly a knob who we discuss with venom - I won't go into the specifics but it was warranted.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We weren't sat in the best location for dinner but its just one of those places where you don't book and wait for the next table or share a table. We were in between a French couple and another couple on a date. The conversation was a little stilted, the music didn't help, just didn't feel natural. I was asking him questions and his opinion and all I got was 'I don't know' or the question redirected back to me. This isn't unusually by any means but just didn't feel right.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He asks for the bill and takes out a nice wad of notes. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'So you either got some money unexpectedly today or you felt really guilty about not getting me a card on Sunday' I ask smiling, a little smugly as well probably.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">'I got paid for last week' </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Right... He didn't feel guilty then.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The lobster was amazing and the zucchini fries spot on. All finished off with a warm slice of chocolate cake to share. The meal was satisfying, the conversation a non starter. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Another 'work from home' day today, I'm getting too used to these lie ins! I was woken by a message from the BF. 'Call me when you're awake'. That will be now then I say to myself. His business investor has been speaking to him about my situation and has offered my a position as a Negotiator in his estate agency. Not sure this is me but its something to research and look into plus if (I would have liked to have wrote 'when' there but I'm not an optimist really) things work out with M I'm not sure what state me and BF will be left in. Hmmm. More thinking required on that one. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I didn't get chance to talk today with M, although spent most of the morning emailing. We were both at home so the content didn't have to be restricted and led to a few hot moments, actually just one moment this time. The replies took far too long for it to be anything more. Bloody internet at times </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smileys30.gif" border="0" alt="">. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I had a lunch arranged at work for this afternoon before I allocated my days off so I decided I would keep the date and use it as an opportunity to do a little shopping afterwards. I did find it all a bit weird, the conversation was very similar to last night - a non starter. I'm not sure how my colleagues are dealing with the news of redundancy, but these are my closest friends too. It all felt a bit distant. For me I've dealt with my negative emotions quickly, probably because it is opening doors with my private life as opposed to work life.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The shopping was successful for the most part. I'm looking for a dress for a wedding in May and its proving difficult but I did but some gorgeous shoes which I don't really need...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Back to work tomorrow, roll on the 9th June. </span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/02/lobster-chocolate-cake-and-shoes-3988374/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-04-01:/2008/04/01/title-3981149/NorthernAngel2008-04-01T15:31:00+02:002008-04-01T15:33:20+02:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I need to calm down but I can't I'm too excited. I've got lots to get out of my head so I can digest what's happened yesterday.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <ol> <li><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Work</span></span></li> <li><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M</span></span></li> <li><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Neighbour 2/Stalker </span></span></li> <li><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF</span></span></li> </ol> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Work</span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The boss was out and there wasn't much doing apart from the rubbish I've been leaving for the past few weeks/months. I was killing time chatting to my team, general banter with the lads and mailing M.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">At 10am we received a corporate email which sent shock waves round the office. There would be a meeting at 12pm which was mandatory to attend to talk about market conditions. This wasn't good news. I work for an investment bank who lend on sub prime mortgages.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They're closing the company, no more lending is possible to break even in the market. It was relief more than anything, certainly not a shock. The decision had been made, no waiting to see who would and wouldn't stay. All of us were off.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">5 months salary plus any holiday owed, statutory entitlement would give me a nicely sum to keep me going as a manager.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M</span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This is our opportunity to make a new life together, if we let this pass by then there's no hope. Also it kind of gives us a time to work to. I think this will put a bit of pressure on M with the kids but it has to happen at some point if its me he wants.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Subject to the job situation and the outcome of the few I've already applied for, we want to spend a few weeks away once the money is safely deposited in my account. This should be at the end of June. Approximately 12 weeks on Friday, not that I'm counting...!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's looking into setting up as a self employed mortgage broker which he's previously done before until it got too much while he was ill. He's planning too and we're both excited. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's finding my excitement and outlook infectious, he keeps describing how our break away will go, our evenings in our home, all those things that make me feel warm inside and protected on the outside.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This is our chance, we both know it. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Neighbour 2/Stalker</span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He emails at the most inappropriate time, and I really don't want his sympathies. I tell him I'm not in the mood to chit chat today. He offers advice and help and I nastily ignored his kind offer. This morning I see an email from him, he'd seen my status on FB which was contrary to what I'd said to him earlier in the day. He's miffed and curt. He's apparently a 'friend' but seems I have to answer to him...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">BF</span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">His supportive words were, well you best start looking for something then... I arrived home after having a few drinks, I think I was expecting a card.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Nothing... This really sums up my relationship for me, makes my decision easier. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This afternoon he wants to take me out because it he didn't do anything on Sunday and to cheer me up. Problem is I'm as happy as ever. It's also made M a little bit jealous, not a bad thing!!</span></span>   <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/04/01/title-3981149/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-31:/2008/03/31/7-years-today-3969921/NorthernAngel2008-03-31T10:38:00+02:002008-03-31T10:39:00+02:00 <p>I wrote this last night but didn't have the opportunity to post.</p> <p>Today is our anniversary of the day we met. I'd bought him a card with a sketch of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, our first city break away, I still remember the day now. I didn't get anything apart from an apology and that he'd do something special tomorrow when he got paid. I knew he'd forget because i hadn't mentioned it.  We've spent most of the day having a clean up round the house. I must admit he does do his part of the cleaning but he's lazy when it comes to tidying away and throwing things out we don't need anymore or don't want. I find it therapeutic to throw things out, have things in the right place. At first it was an obsession but as the years past I've had to let things go or it would have cause me to have a break down!!  <br> Its been a weird day in general, nothing from M at all, I didn't expect anything. I know things are going to be stirred up again tomorrow. At the time when we're together everything seems hopeful, like its worth all the feelings of doubt.  <br> Yet again I'm upstairs on my own, probably feeling sorry for myself in some way. I'd told BF of a new dentist nearby as I'd noticed his tooth towards the back had broken off. He needs to get it sorted before it gets any worse. 'When I've got some money', he snaps back. Shame he doesn't save all the money he spends on his bloody PS3 and Wii games and spends in on looking after himself.  Its not worth retaliating back. He doesn't want to discuss it so we wont and he cuts me dead. This happens whenever he doesn't want to talk about something.  <br> Usually the following: <br> <ul> <li>Smoking - he doesn't want to stop regardless of what it could do to his health.</li> <li>Driving - money.</li> <li>Money - he never has any.</li> <li>Planning of any sort, holidays, family, etc - Most of it comes down to money but he won't plan to save to be able to start discussing these things.</li> </ul> How can I think we could survive a life time together when we can't communicate about the important things?! Or the small things for that amtter. <br> Don't worry I know the answer to that! <br> I don't think we are incapable of communicating, just that we fallen into the trap - if we don't discuss it, its not happening or a problem.<br> <br> So why am I going over things I already know the answer to? Well, I asked M on Friday, 'If it wasn't for me would you leave?' The answer was 'No I would stay for the kids'. Can I do the same and work at what I've got already?  <br> Tomorrow is another day with more unanswered questions I expect. <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/31/7-years-today-3969921/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-29:/2008/03/29/training-must-start-no-later-than-1st-ju-3964424/NorthernAngel2008-03-29T23:05:00+01:002008-03-29T23:05:00+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In another attempt to focus on something else other than my ailing love life which I could sort in one fell swoop should I have inclination, I've just registered for the Race for Life. After having my Auntie survive cancer at 30 it's something close to my heart, particularly that 10 years on she's still has various side effects from her treatment and has just come out of hospital last weekend.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I have previously taken part 6 years ago when I was 6 years younger and a lot fitter. I also had the help of a previous marathon runner to encourage me to finish in 27 minutes. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So I need some training shoes and a training plan. They suggest training 6 weeks before the event. I do want to run the whole 5km and at least match my previous time. I think I might start 12 weeks before the day...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Now all I need now is to get some sponsorship!  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Wish me luck, I will certainly need it this time around<span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/060lol.gif" border="0" alt=""></span></span></span></span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/29/training-must-start-no-later-than-1st-ju-3964424/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-29:/2008/03/29/lenny-henry-s-hotel-3962917/NorthernAngel2008-03-29T20:35:19+01:002008-03-30T00:22:58+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Fingers crossed did worked!!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He left work round 11:30am to drop in at home to say bye to the kids before leaving for South Mimms services and the Premier Inn (not my choice I would like to add but his companies). He was planning to be at Potters Bar station to pick me up at 6:30pm.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There's not that excitement I usually feel rushing through my body when I have the prospect of seeing M. I question myself if this is a sign, I feel like this week has been the beginning of the end of us. He's so matter of fact on the phone, so cold.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's on the platform waiting for me and greets me with a kiss, for a split second I don't know if I should do cheek or lips - I decide on the lips. Thought I was getting one on the cheek then, he jokes. You nearly were, I retaliated with.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He suggests a drive to check into the hotel and out for some dinner. I did want to talk, we needed to talk but also I wanted him to rip my clothes off and make love to me. As we drove we chatted about insignificant things that had happened in the day, traffic on the M1, the weather, anything to make the journey less uncomfortable. I noticed he's still wearing his wedding ring, he normally takes it off. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The receptionist is overly friendly and really needs to get out more, she asks if we are both staying and there is a hesitation by both of us until we say no at the same time. I'm trying to look as casual as possible and not like some whore who is about to shag this married mans brains out, I feel like its so obvious to the world.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In the room we're sat on the end of the bed together when he leans into me and kisses me. Shall we go to the bar, he asks. He wants to get out of the room, I can hear it in his voice. We hold each other for a while, apologising for how we've both been this week. He didn't think I would come, and if i did it was to tell him I was fed up and couldn't continue with our relationship. I didn't want this at all, I just need to hear all those promises he tells me on email and on the phone to my face. I needed some hope to help me carry on with the distance we have between us, physical distance of course!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We spend a couple of hours in the bar talking. He's touching me, complimenting me, brushing my hair from my face, we're joking together and contemplating our future. At some point he moves away to talk to the kids. We take our second round of drinks back to the room and kiss for what seems like hours. Fast, slow, delicate, firm, I love kissing, I love kissing M. I can feel him hard beneath me. We're still talking and laughing whilst he makes love to me twice, the second time was amazing, </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its close to midnight when we start the drive back to mine. It seems weird that he'll be dropping me off at home, I'm a bit apprehensive and nervous. I leave knowing we're back on track, there's still questions and fears we both still have but we both know them. We need to see each other more, so we don't fall back into the trap of assuming one anothers feelings and wants. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I wake this morning and it feels like he's still there holding me, fitting into the curves of my body. We've managed to speak 3 times today. I'm the happiest in weeks, although there's still a small amount of doubt in the back of my mind, but he knows this. We're working on it getting smaller with every time we're together. There's still a way to go to getting where we both want to be, and I know it can't be pacified with a few more visits every month/couple of months. We have to make some decisions to move forward or we're going to be back in the same position again, frustrated and angry with each other.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">There is one thing that's bugging me. He'd told me to look him up on Facebook as he'd posted a picture on there. Oh and I would see his wife too... Everyone is curious aren't they? It takes a couple of searches to spot him and his wife. Not what I expected. He'd said she was large and always complaining about her weight. Its from the shoulders up but she's not big. She's just normal I guess, in weight and looks.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I miss him already and we won't speak again until Monday. I know the doubts will creep back sooner rather than later.</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/29/lenny-henry-s-hotel-3962917/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-27:/2008/03/27/my-italian-friend-lemons-lemons-and-more-3953745/NorthernAngel2008-03-27T23:41:00+01:002008-03-30T00:22:22+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Thought I would write about something unrelated to my current misfortunes...</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Last June I met my friend D for the first time since we met 20 years ago. A family holiday in Sicily is where we met playing on the beach. Her mother spoke a little english and we managed to determine that they were from Palermo and had a holiday flat in the next village on where we were staying.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span">Here is the cathedral in Cefalu by night</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/cefalu_cathedral/2439149" title="Cefalu Cathedral "><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/149/2439149_71f2db95ac_s.jpeg" alt="Cefalu Cathedral " hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></span> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I still have the all the letters we sent, all the pictures and little things we'd cut out of magazines. Her english was practically perfect. There were a few years where there was no contact and then we had email to chat.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We'd constantly said we would meet again and last year we did.  She also wanted to come to London to stay with us with her husband A. We booked our flights, we would go out there first at the end of May and then they would stay with us a month later.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As the day drew near I began to wonder how it would go. She had great written english but how would we get on communicating. I didn't know if her husband spoke much and how'd the BF would get on with them both. A week can be a very long time!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">They were waiting at the airport, straight in front of us smiling as we came through customs. Hugs and kisses to welcome us and we were in the car on the way to her parents for dinner, it was nearing 10pm!! I don't remember her parents, only from the pictures D sent. It was the best meal ever, despite it being around 11:30 before finishing all 5 courses. This was nothing compared to the meals to come.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Her apartment was fantastic, elegant and immaculate. After an interesting night out the sofa bed we were tucking into fresh croissants with 'yellow creme' - custard. This brought back memories of my time when we met. My Mum would go to the bakery and we'd eat breakfast on the beach - croissants with yellow creme. After sampling lots through the week we decided the first were the best.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">D had done a itinerary for the whole week, where we would visit, when and where we'd eat dinner, opening times and prices. Also she'd had all her meals planned out to. She really was an inspirational person, focused, determined, and always laughing.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The first day was the sights around Palermo with lunch at her apartment, spaghetti alla vongale - clams, my favourite. We spent some time at the beach which was a 20 minute car ride and also spent a few days back at the village where we met. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span">This is Mondello Beach</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/mondello_beach/2439147" title="Mondello Beach"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/147/2439147_dd02ca3e82_s.jpeg" alt="Mondello Beach" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In between the sights and the beach we ate, and ate and ate. Both of their parents cooked fabulous meals for us, entertained us and made us feel so welcome. We had gifts galore to take back to england with us which included some home made lemoncello from A's parents and olive oil from D's parents own olive groves. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We spent the evenings meeting their friends and family, watching films (english speaking ones with subtitles in italian!) and talking. D showed me all her wedding photos, she has an obsession with photos. 1000 she took on their honeymoon. We shared so much in that week, we laughed, joke about men, she learnt me some italian. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">One of our favourite trips out was to the Capuchins Catacombs. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/catacombs/2439148" title="Catacombs"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/148/2439148_061e787c26_s.jpeg" alt="Catacombs" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a><br></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The catacombs date back to the 1599 when the local priests mummified a holy monk for all to see. They wanted to pray to him after death. Some of the corpses have long ago lost their flesh and are skeletons. Others have mummified flesh, hair and even eyes! All are dressed in clothes from the period in which they lived. </span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Several of the corpses seem to be "screaming" from the dead. Time and gravity have distorted the corpses to look this way. It is very creepy!  </span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Upon entering the catacombs, one might think that the smell would be terrible, or at least musty. Yet, there was no trace of any odor. Many of the corpses were close enough to touch, if you were so inclined. </span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">As always D had the camera to hand and was sneaking photographs when the guide wasn't looking. Her husband looks on shaking his head whist smiling.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I didn't want to leave, we'd both had an amazing time, met some fantastic people and ate like kings ever day. The last stop on the way to the airport was the coffee bar where the first croissants we ate were. Mmmmm. Yum.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I haven't mention that we had a problem packing all our gifts and belongings. The day before we'd visited one of the street markets where A lived when younger, and we wanted a couple of lemons and a few peaches for the trip back. Hmmm. We ended up with a kilo of each. We carefully packed a a carrier bag full along with the oil, lemoncello, gifts and the presents we'd bought. Anyway we knew we were to our limit on the way out but our bags never got weighed, hopefully they wouldn't on the way back. Typically they did.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">A trip over the desk to hand over the last of our euros, about £100... for lemons and peaches. As our hosts hadn't let us part with a single dime for any of the sight seeing, petrol or food we'd only spent our money on presents. We felt as guilty as hell the first few times but they insisted that this is what they did here and would accept our offer and they didn't expect this when they stayed with us.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I've been looking at flights to spend a weekend with them, here sister has just had a baby and I want to take lots of presents out to them. £50 return for me, I like the idea of it just being me.</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/27/my-italian-friend-lemons-lemons-and-more-3953745/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-27:/2008/03/27/title-3953071/NorthernAngel2008-03-27T21:55:00+01:002008-03-27T22:19:25+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its hard to describe the past few days. Its like I'm on a roller coaster, I can't get off nor can I scream out the words I feel inside. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I was gradually falling into a dip as the day (yesterday) progressed mainly due to the back and forth emails with M. He started the day off with promise with a cheery disposition but its fake we both have unanswered questions and feelings. His = I'm not sure where he wants answers from and me = I want answers from him. I'm not entirely sure what my questions are but I know I need something from him to keep me going. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The problem is we haven't seen each other for 5/6 weeks and all we have is misinterpreted emails and a few calls while I'm sat at my desk. We agree something needs to change because we going to tear each other to pieces (his words). I'm all out of ideas.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tell me what's on your mind? Tell me how you are feeling? You'll never lose me for just telling me how you fell, he says.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I know there are still practicalities to sort and fix and its not going to happen over night but I can't even get you to commit to spending a day with me, I replied.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I can't quiet believe my eyes when he says he's angry, feels controlled and pushed and pulled. How can he commit to that when he doesn't know if he has a job in a 2 days? Is the jist of it. It was the 'controlled' I couldn't accept. He uses that word when describing his relationship with his wife. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Today I finally emailed around 10am, and called around 11am. He's in the middle of something and wants to call me back, he talks to me like nothing happened yesterday. When we finally spoke he's in a underground car park and the reception is poor. We don't even mention yesterday. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Guess where I might be tomorrow and Saturday? he asks.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Apparently he has appointments in Kent and London and if it pans out he'll drive down tomorrow and stay over. I'm not keeping my hopes up only to have them dashed at the last minute. He says I can shout at him in person. I brush this off as I don't want to have that conversation today, he makes a flippant comment about his evening being a big adventure or something. I hate this atmosphere we've created, but this was never going to be an easy journey, was it?</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's calling tomorrow to let me know. Fingers crossed.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So that's that.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm still recalling today's events in my mind as I take the train home. I have my keys handy (they're not in the bottom of my bag somewhere for a change) and walk in to find BF laid on the sofa, hands in his trousers on the internet. i frighten the shit out of him - ha. Least it gives me an excuse to lock myself upstairs and write. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Anyway I did actually have some good news at work!! Due to the lack of work in our department we're all been given 6 days to 'work from home' (toss it off) in April. Blimey. That applies to managers as well - i.e me!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Tomorrow is Friday and despite what might and might not pan out I'm going for a drink with my team after work - roll on 5:30pm! <span class="Apple-style-span"><img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smileys60.gif" border="0" alt=""> </span></span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/27/title-3953071/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-25:/2008/03/25/back-to-the-grindstone-3939650/NorthernAngel2008-03-25T20:45:00+01:002008-03-30T00:23:52+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Back at work today and was anticipating what the day would bring with M. I didn't have to wait long, 9:07am to be precise.</p> <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M: I guess you don't really want to hear from me for a while. </span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></p> <p> This has all got too much for us both I think. It is going to end up tearing us to pieces.</p> <p></span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> Spent the last 4 days thinking how horrible I was to you, and I hate myself for that.</p> <p></span></span></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> Sorry just isn't enough, but from this distance is all I have.</span><br> </span></p> <p>How frustrating is this man?! ARGH.</p> <p>Any sign of things not being all happy and smiles and he thinks the worst. I asked him what he wants next, in between telling him he acts like a twat at times. He wants a new job in London and me. </p> <p>But when? </p> <p>We email most of the morning, a bit of chit chat, discuss my friends predicament with her current BF or soon to be ex-BF, talk about my family. Just normal stuff. </p> <p>He calls in the afternoon twice. I tell him it seems different between us, I think he's a bit taken aback, he hated last week we both just assumed things instead of asking. Work is annoying him, they're not paying his expenses and he needs all the money he can get.</p> <p>I take a breath and say I miss him, I love him. It makes me feel funny inside (nice funny). Where did that come from he asked, I need to come and see you don't I? Yes you do M. We agree we'll see what happens with his job at the end of the month and agree a date in April for him to come down.</p> <p>I know its there in black and white, he's never going to do it. He's a coward, he's said as much several times recently. I don't know how long I can keep this up but I'm not ready to let go yet.</p> <p>Just wanted to share with you one of the reasons I fell for him. This is one of my favorite poem he's wrote for me. i just melt inside when I read it.</p> <p></span></span><strong><strong><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Part one, log cabin pines trees surround</p> <p>Beneath the feet fresh snow on the ground</p> <p>Only the whisper of falling snow</p> <p>Within a fire casting its glow</p> <p>No seats on which to sit</p> <p>Just quilted rugs strewn about</p> <p>The fireside focal and welcome and bright</p> <p>The numbers just 2 on this special night</p> <p>To one side a chilled ice bath for the champagne</p> <p>To the other a low table has been elegantly lain</p> <p>Two glasses rest half full and still cold</p> <p>The light dimmed my heart already sold</p> <p>Before upon the rugs wrapped and warm</p> <p>The Angel I dream of waking, holding at dawn</p> <p>Soft music plays on our ears</p> <p>As night grows around us and nature hears</p> <p>The duet we play as I bodies become one</p> <p>Louisa a night of xmas end of part one.</p> <p></span></span></strong></strong> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <strong><strong><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> Part two, years have passed us by</p> <p>Now the cabin is a house where friends lie</p> <p>The room is lit by magical lights</p> <p>Outside the snow still deep stretching beyond sight</p> <p>The table now tall and the offerings bold</p> <p>No fire as our hearts warm away the cold</p> <p>This room is filled with laughter and cheer</p> <p>Of loved ones who care when we are near</p> <p>At one end of the room stands my Angel she looks</p> <p>Past chatterings and huddles a moment now took</p> <p>Our eyes meet and both know the its true</p> <p>We are back at the cabin now there is only you</p> <p>In that instant we find again what was there</p> <p>Upon that rug long ago your long golden hair</p> <p>That night we cemented and cast our path in stone</p> <p>Now sharing with friends that dream we call home.</p> <p></span></span></strong></strong> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <strong><strong><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></p> <p>For you as you like xmas.</p> <p></span></span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"></p> <p>xxxxx</span></span><br> </strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/back-to-the-grindstone-3939650/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-24:/2008/03/24/a-sense-of-relief-3927954/NorthernAngel2008-03-24T01:02:23+01:002008-03-24T01:15:14+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It was what we were dreading, she'd found the emails. Apart from that fact she'd always checked his phone and email there was something to find this time. I wasn't surprised, M is hardly PC or phone literate. Trying to figure out what he means in the middle of some hot phone/text sex does kinda interrupt the moment! </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He asked me to give him some time, she wanted him to leave there and then and tell his kids. I did just that, as he'd asked. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This wasn't in the plan. The text came Christmas day of all days. It was the kids he can't leave them, how can you argue with that?!! You can't. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I finally text the following day that I can't let go and can't we give us some time. He wants to. He can't stop thinking about me but he's hurt too many people. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It isn't until the new year we talk properly. Things have calmed down at home, she thinks that he needs to go to the doctors, that he's not well from his cancer. I'll give him one thing, he is honest with his feelings whether there ones I want to hear or not.<br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So what's the plan this time? Well all the redundancy money he is due in January has been spent. He's not heard from the company he's due to start with in February. He's worried how he can afford to set himself up in London and take care of his responsibilities back home. Again, nothing you can argue with. Well I could but I couldn't. We still talk endlessly about how our future could look together, he writes poems which give me butterflies and I feel smitten again.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Just when i feel like things are moving forward she opens his phone bill and calls my number 10 times, its the one he's sent 300 texts to. I can't blame her, I'd do exactly the same. The rows increase they agree its over but neither ready to do anything about it. He wants to sort the finances and be able to talk to the kids properly. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its the last weekend in February and we have the opportunity to spend an evening together, she wants him to go away to decide what he wants to do and I've gone home for the weekend. He wants us to plan what we need to do, how we do it etc. At the station I'm shy as ever, I didn't want to be but I can't help it. we drive to the hotel and we're in bed before I blink. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I will add that there has been major developments in our physical relationship, it will require and deserves a entry of its own.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">So we'd made love a few times before he delivers the news. He had told me from the start that he'd had a vasectomy. We'd talked about what that meant for us and we discussed him having a reversal. He's contacted the clinic (this surprises me, makes me feel he is serious - more than I had been telling him I thought he was), and due to the amount the surgeon had taken away the success rate for a reversal is low. Blow one. I'm speechless. He looks in my eyes and he looks back broken. I think I managed an 'oh'.  He'd keep this from me for a month, he wanted to tell me to my face. Secondly he's had symptoms that he thinks might be prostate cancer and he's scared as hell. Blow two. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Again he pushes me away says he can't give me what I want (kids) and he's scared of the cancer, doesn't want me to have to cope with it. I'm torn, I'm angry. Angry that he's kept this from me, met me under false pretenses in a way, angry that I love this man regardless of what life throws at us and he just wants to push me away. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I finally let rip on him, in a measured, sensible way, I've never seen in myself before. I tell him that he's just got one opinion and run with it, thought the worst. Had he researched it at all? No. I sent him several articles on the subject. There's no guarantees with pregnancy full stop. The cancer, well, all I asked is that he goes to the doctors. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">It's all taking its toll on my now, there's been an announcement at work - more redundancies. I'm finding it hard to be positive but its showing - my dishearteness. He thinks I'm giving ready to throw the towel in on us. I am at times, I tell him I should after everything and how he treats me at times, but I love him and don't want to give up. I feel in limbo with work, with him, with my life. He's applying from jobs in London but its not looking fruitful. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">This last week I've been a cow, short tempered, snapping back, I think he deserves this, I know he does and I tell him. I want him to be there for me, I want to see him so he can put his arms around me.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's away with the kids and wife at the caravan and can't text - no signal apparently. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Friday morning 11:30 he texts. He hasn't slept, can't get it out of his head that if I love him why are you still sleeping with BF? He doesn't know this but its just something in his head. God I'm angry. Thought he couldn't text and when he does it's to put his mind at rest. It's not always about you M I tell him. He's sorry and an idiot, no argument there.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Its been hard to capture what has happened in the last 7-8 months and in my current state of mind I've focused on the not so good parts. Hopefully talking about the present will give a more balanced view.</span></span>   <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/24/a-sense-of-relief-3927954/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-23:/2008/03/23/title-3925627/NorthernAngel2008-03-23T16:06:29+01:002008-03-23T16:07:04+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span">We skirt around of the subject of us sleeping together, we can barely whisper the word, sex. </span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">He wants to come down and stay over, as much as I want this to happen I can't help that sinking feeling that its not right but how else do we find out if this is the real thing? </span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">The hotel, train and annual leave have been booked. I've lied before to BF but I feel different this time, guilty but not. There's a lot riding on our time together because of the discussions we had around how its going to happen, how we're going to feel etc. After meeting him at the station we head off to Selfridges for lunch where I consume 2 glasses of wine, delicious and well needed.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">Standing at the hotel reception I feel like they know, I'm nervous. I'm never nervous when it comes to sex, but it isn't sex he wants to make love to me (cheese I know but that's him and I like it even though I pretend not to). I don't know what to do when we arrive in the room, its a bit of a disappointment from the website but that's all incidental.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">I want to take a shower alone first, give myself a bit of space. He does so immediately afterwards.  Towels fall away and there are no words spoken while he explores me, he does so more quickly than I want. I need his trust first before I let myself go. He reads this wrongly I later find out. I'm ashamed to say I was surprised by the size of his manhood, small. In comparison to BF he is but maybe BF is just blessed. it makes me feel guilty for thinking this. I feel like he wants to acknowledge this and he does in a way by saying he never thought he was any good at sex. The thing is, it doesn't matter. The way he touches me sends shivers down my body, that's what i really want.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">We order food and talk. I love being close to him, him whispering in my ear how much he loves looking at me, stroking me, kissing me. He makes me feel alive, special, just me.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">We've had an amazing time but we both agree we're glad we've got this out of the way which sounds awful but it's true. There was so much pressure for this to be spectacular but it wasn't but that's OK.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">Our relationship takes a different turn now; we want more of each other physically, its like we've got something to prove to each other. We're both holding back, I know I am. We haven't reached that point where I can tell him my fantasies.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">I've never felt this happy, content, free but protected with someone, ever. Everything had started to take shape for our future plans, how we wanted it to be different from what we were living now. He was so sure and confident out our future.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><br> </span> <span class="Apple-style-span">All that changed a week before Christmas. </span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/23/title-3925627/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-22:/2008/03/22/title-3921841/NorthernAngel2008-03-22T18:40:16+01:002008-03-22T18:42:37+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I really want this to be different this time with M. It feels different, like we're both on the same level of like for one another. He is very expressive about how he feels about me, generous with his words and for that I just adore him. I've never been in a relationship where I feel adored, and that is all I want.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The emails, texts and phone calls are constant throughout the day and evening. Fortunately and unfortunately we are going through a consultation period at work and we're looking to make 150 people redundant, this means he's had a few visits to London to make.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I'm due to see him on his next visit. Every time we meet I become this shy and nervous as hell little girl the moment I clap eyes on him. This could be down to the age gap, he's 40 to my 28 years young at that time. I think that this is part of the issue along with the life experiences he's had, particularly the fact he has children. I can't remember now if he offered this information or if I had asked, but the moment he told me I had this awful empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It still didn't deter me.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I take half day to spend more time with him before he takes the train home around 6. I take him to a bar I know and he teases me about my shyness around him for the first hour or so!! He does comment the more I see him the less time it takes to break me down which he sees as a compliment and a challenge. </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">M has the deepest chocolate brown eyes and when I dare to look into them I feel myself falling. He can tell exactly what I'm thinking and read my inner thoughts. That's scary as hell for me. So I have concluded this is the reason for my shyness.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">After lunch I take him into London to another bar, in between his kisses we laugh, joke, talk about our feelings, our wants in life. No one else could exist while we were there. I want to tell him I'm falling in love with him, but the background noise is drowning me out and the words are lodged in my throat. Its time to leave but it only feels like we've been together minutes not hours.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">On the underground platform he holds me tight and I asked him let a couple of trains go because the words I want to say are on the tip of my tongue but won't come out Then, I'm completely taken aback with my courage and truthfulness which is rising through my body with which I blurt out </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">"I'm falling in love with you M"</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">With every word I meant it, the feeling inside it gave me was nothing I'd experienced before. He was completely mesmerised by it and couldn't speak - this is a first for M! I watch the tube doors close with he just standing there, his lips parted and his eyes glazed over in shock - good shock I later learn.  </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We've moved to the next level I guess, there's still a long way to go. We both agree that up to now it's based on our personalities and what we can bring to this partnership and it isn't about a quick shag. This is completely different for me!</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">You can guess where my next entry will be going, our first night together.</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/22/title-3921841/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-21:/2008/03/22/m-3917551/NorthernAngel2008-03-22T00:40:00+01:002008-03-22T00:41:26+01:00 <p><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Hmmm. Last night was a bit random but needed to share with someone.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Back to M.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We know where we both stand, he has a wife and I live with my boyfriend. Our emails are varied from light chit chat to the deep and meaningful. Its such a refreshing change to feel able to be open and honest with someone.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He writes the most beautiful poems to and about me. How he captures our personalities and feelings is amazing. They do something to me inside. Its like constant butterflies, shooting through my body. He tells me he's liked me (in the physical sense) since we first met at a meeting. <br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I've never felt like this. He opens up something inside me, allows me to be the person inside, the one I long to be. He makes me smile when we talk, he can tell too. He tells me I'm smiling with my mouth and eyes. I am.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">We agree to meet.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I travel up on the train. 10 minutes before I arrive he texts, and it sends shock waves through my body. I'm nervous as hell, my palms are sweating and I can't breath. I see him on the station as I pull in. All I'm thinking is will I find him physically attractive, have that spark to complete the package.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I step off the train and he's there in front of me, reaching for my hand, smiling. I can't speak, can't give him eye contact, can't breath. We reach to the safety of the car, I know he wants to kiss me. M is a talker, I ask him to talk, ramble on until I calm down.He tells me how gorgeous I look, stunning. I've chosen my outfit carefully, a grey tailor shorts suit with a light blue shirt, tanned legs and black high heels. Hair is down, long and straight, minimal make-up. I look good.</span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">He's already picked out a pub for lunch. He wants to kiss me over the table, I can't resist him. We walk out of the pub and I take his hand and pull him into me. We stop before we get to the car and I just melt into him. I love his kisses. A short drive to the park and we're all over each other, I can't stop smiling. Not many words are exchanged, too consumed with each other. He turns me on, a lot.<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Back to the station and I don't want to leave, the day has been perfect. I know this is just the<br></span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">beginning of what's to come.</span></span> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/22/m-3917551/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:marksangel.blog.co.uk,2008-03-20:/2008/03/20/this-is-what-i-mean-3912403/NorthernAngel2008-03-20T23:59:02+01:002008-03-20T23:59:02+01:00 <p>Tonight is an example of BF and making me feel like a dick.</p> <p>I'm exhausted from work where we're currently going through consultation to make 200 people redundant for the second time in 6 months. Fairly stressful, you'll agree? Not that we talk about it together.</p> <p>I'm vegging in bed and we order a curry which he brings up on a tray, my favourite childhood tray. I love him for these little things, sometimes I feel like they're just habit rather than a gesture of his love. He comes up after we've both finished to chat and says moaning cow next door is out tonight and her poor husband is home alone. He's about to go down stairs when he announces: </p> <p>BF: 'I'm going to have a beer'</p> <p>Something is not right, I can tell in the tone.</p> <p>Me: 'You mean you're going next door'</p> <p>BF: 'Well, yeah I might do, why?'</p> <p>Me: 'Why didn't you say that then, instead of lying?'</p> <p>BF: 'I didn't lie, you knew I meant that I would go next door'</p> <p>Me: 'Don't make me look like a nob, so you were going to go back down stairs and sneak next door then I'd text to say where the fuck are you? You'd reply but you knew what I meant'</p> <p>BF: 'I won't go then'</p> <p>Me: 'Do whatever, just don't make me look like a dick'</p> <p>BF: 'I didn't. Give me a hug'</p> <p>Me: 'No you've fucked me off'</p> <p>We hug</p> <p>BF: 'Can I go then?'</p> <p>NA: 'Don't ask me, just tell me straight'</p> <p>BF: 'Just text if you need anything, I'l come back and do anything'</p> <p>Just fuck off. </p> <p>He knows I can't stand next door after all the bitching so doesn't even bother asking anymore if I want to go, just assumes. </p> <p>Is it me? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://MarksAngel.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/this-is-what-i-mean-3912403/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>