I can't sum up where I am at the moment. Every direction of my life seems to be in limbo.


I don't understand why I haven't had the motivation to write my thoughts and events on here recently either. Anyone shed any light??!!  

Anyway...

The job hunt is tiring and very demotivating. Its a tough market out there . I'd prepared, done all my research and showcased my work in a presentation pack. Still I didn't get the second interview I wanted this week. It also feels like you have to constantly chase the agency's which there is a fine line between pro-active and bloody desperate! 


M has been perfect apart from the fact he's not with me! It's been two weeks of positivity for him and he's planning and focused on July.  He's been supportive of my up and down moods this week - brave guy! I do still share my cautious side with him and he understands this until he's knocking on my door with bags in hand. We talk about our first weekend together. Its nice to have plans regardless of whether we follow them through or just stay in-doors and order take away! He's free to chat on Sunday, a rarity. I guess its only weeks away until he has to break the news to his kids, that will be the make or break of us.

My new home will be a fresh start with or without M. 

Talking to my Mum yesterday confirmed I was doing the right thing. I can't continue living with BF. We hardly communicate and when we do its not about the important that matters. 

BF has let me down more than usual, I would very much like not to deal with what's happened with my parents and with the distance I could but this is life and this is my family. He just ignores it hoping it will sort its self out. I also had confirmation that when my Mum came down and he woke us up at 2:40am he had been doing coke. I've done drugs myself and not judging that but my Mum was here in the house. For me its a complete lack of respect for me and my family.

There has been many events, particularly recently, I've had to hold my tongue and its too late now to drag them back to present. They are there in my head annoying me though. 

The conversation with Mum yesterday was about her first session with the counsellor. There were good and bad points that came out, and some frighteningly similar to me and BF. I don't want to end up like that and this spurred me on to contact my Auntie today to confirm my intentions and that I definitely want the flat. 

I also spoke to my Dad last night, he tells me he's low but aren't we all is my response. Its hard to be compassionate with somethings. He tells me how he felt about the counseling and he thought it was very good and the counsellor herself was good. She must be good, it takes a lot to impress my Dad. It also takes me by surprise as my Mums comments on what she thought he thought was to the contrary. 

He thought it was a step forward until yesterday afternoon when Mum called him to say they should send separate cards to my Sister for her birthday. This makes he think they are taking a back step as they agreed earlier on in the week that they would do the same as normal. He said that her reason was that they wasn't a couple anymore. I am surprised by my Mum, I thought she might have considered how it would affect my Sister.  

I'm going home 7th June for a family birthday, I really don't know what that will have in store...

As usual we have no plans for the weekend and I don't have the motivation to suggest something that doesn't involve computers, drinking, smoking or socialising in the garden. Thank god for sky + and books!

I feel better now.