I'm not sure why I haven't been able to post for the last couple of weeks, scared of putting of this mess into print I guess. Not sure I've been in a state of mind to construct sentences, think it might have just been random words not making any sense - even to me! It's like my lips are tapes shut and if I let them part the words would fall out like a river.


I've had my Mum stay with me for a week, not sure it helped apart from take her away from the tense environment she's living in - feels like I let her down not encouraging her to talk more. I cooked and looked after her while she busied herself with a bit of cleaning and we painted the living room together. Dad has been in contact a few times, text, email and phone. He made me feel responsible in some way for 'convincing' Mum to keep us all together. I really don't think he has a clue and is just mortified at being found out and me and my Sister knowing. He didn't want Mum to tell us! Selfish bastard.

I've just come back from the bank holiday weekend at home as we were invited to my old school friends wedding. Unfortunately not the best time to be having to stay there. It was bearable and I think Mum tried to make it easy as possible, again putting everyone else before her.

Tonight Mum told me that they are going to their first counseling session next week, Dad booked it today. I hope it works to help them communicate better regardless whether it keeps them together.

There's so much still bottled up inside me and I don't know what direction I need to let this out in.  My mind won't switch off at night and my dreams wake me more than usual. I'm not sure where to direct my energy - job, relationship or family?! They all need urgent attention.

I have felt a need to distance myself from M, not only through the pure guilt and disgust at my actions but to see if my feelings are still as strong. We last had contact on Friday, he was off to the family caravan for the bank holiday and I'd promised to be in touch Wednesday/Thursday the week following. 3 emails today on my work blackberry today! As usual all the right words said. 

Not sure how long this is going to last, not sure how long I want this to last. Its been a hard lesson learnt by my own family been torn apart by lies and infidelity. It hurts like hell.

Difficult times ahead and its all sent to try us and make us stronger - aren't those the things people say?!... Hope some good comes out of it all.