Archive - Past, Present & Future

An email and stamp = gift vouchers

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-05-22 – 17:20:17

A week today I'm seeing M. It's been a while. End of March, in the hotel, is the last time he held me.

I want to enjoy the few hours we have together. Holding hands, kissing, some lunch, shopping, those little things you normal take for granted. I think this will be the last time we see each other before the time comes.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow of constant positivity and not changing his mind. This is something he tells me every day. He feels stronger than ever.

He's doing his charity walk in June and will be away for 2 weeks, he says he'll be in contact when he can which I didn't expect.

I still have that doubt that he'll find it to hard to leave the girls but he knows no words can make that disappear until he's there in my flat.

Work is painful, agency's are useless and I'm panicking. I think I'm going to do a quick speed typing course. I average about 40 wpm but I could do with being at least 60 wpm. Its a very flexible course up in Holborn and reasonably priced.

The Bank Holiday looks like its going to be uneventful. BF has confirmed he's working the Saturday and Monday. Great...

Oh yes. My little story of the week.

Last weekend I was checking off my items on my account and noticed a refund on a dress hadn't credited my account yet. This was over a week.

I visited the store I returned it to for the 'assistant' (there was nothing assisting about it!) said:

"They've had issues with the line and could take up to 3 weeks, you'll just have to wait."

"I can't check anything, you'll have to speak to your bank and wait for it to go in."

"If you call Customer Services they will help you."

Finally.... The best bit.

"If you complain to Customer Services and tell them how angry you are etc blah blah, you'll get some free stuff..." This was the last straw.

I documented this all into a to the point email and letter and sent it off to their complaints department.

The following day lo and behold the money is promptly credited to my account and my email is acknowledge to say its been passed onto the Area Manager. Great.

The call came yesterday and the Area Manager apologised profusely and explained the situation, and would like to send me some vouchers!! It was a bit of a joke as she'd seen the email and what the assistant had said. This wasn't my reason for complaining, just the lack of anyone willing to help. Still I wasn't about to turn them down when I have my eye on a lovely maxi dress...

I'm never one to stand in a shop arguing and I didn't. Why should I have to arguing for some customer service?

I'm just second guessing the amount now... I'm thinking £20. Not bad for a email and a stamp.

Mountains to Climb

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-05-17 – 17:12:00

I can't sum up where I am at the moment. Every direction of my life seems to be in limbo.

I don't understand why I haven't had the motivation to write my thoughts and events on here recently either. Anyone shed any light??!!

Anyway...

The job hunt is tiring and very demotivating. Its a tough market out there . I'd prepared, done all my research and showcased my work in a presentation pack. Still I didn't get the second interview I wanted this week. It also feels like you have to constantly chase the agency's which there is a fine line between pro-active and bloody desperate!

M has been perfect apart from the fact he's not with me! It's been two weeks of positivity for him and he's planning and focused on July. He's been supportive of my up and down moods this week - brave guy! I do still share my cautious side with him and he understands this until he's knocking on my door with bags in hand. We talk about our first weekend together. Its nice to have plans regardless of whether we follow them through or just stay in-doors and order take away! He's free to chat on Sunday, a rarity. I guess its only weeks away until he has to break the news to his kids, that will be the make or break of us.

My new home will be a fresh start with or without M.

Talking to my Mum yesterday confirmed I was doing the right thing. I can't continue living with BF. We hardly communicate and when we do its not about the important that matters.

BF has let me down more than usual, I would very much like not to deal with what's happened with my parents and with the distance I could but this is life and this is my family. He just ignores it hoping it will sort its self out. I also had confirmation that when my Mum came down and he woke us up at 2:40am he had been doing coke. I've done drugs myself and not judging that but my Mum was here in the house. For me its a complete lack of respect for me and my family.

There has been many events, particularly recently, I've had to hold my tongue and its too late now to drag them back to present. They are there in my head annoying me though.

The conversation with Mum yesterday was about her first session with the counsellor. There were good and bad points that came out, and some frighteningly similar to me and BF. I don't want to end up like that and this spurred me on to contact my Auntie today to confirm my intentions and that I definitely want the flat.

I also spoke to my Dad last night, he tells me he's low but aren't we all is my response. Its hard to be compassionate with somethings. He tells me how he felt about the counseling and he thought it was very good and the counsellor herself was good. She must be good, it takes a lot to impress my Dad. It also takes me by surprise as my Mums comments on what she thought he thought was to the contrary.

He thought it was a step forward until yesterday afternoon when Mum called him to say they should send separate cards to my Sister for her birthday. This makes he think they are taking a back step as they agreed earlier on in the week that they would do the same as normal. He said that her reason was that they wasn't a couple anymore. I am surprised by my Mum, I thought she might have considered how it would affect my Sister.

I'm going home 7th June for a family birthday, I really don't know what that will have in store...

As usual we have no plans for the weekend and I don't have the motivation to suggest something that doesn't involve computers, drinking, smoking or socialising in the garden. Thank god for sky + and books!

I feel better now.

Is there more to life than TV, computer games and bloody neighbours?

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-05-12 – 10:46:00

Answer on a post card please...

Hmmm. Its been a mixed week. I was finally back in the office on Thursday which helped to give me a distraction from the god awful mess happening around me. Fairly uneventful as you can imagine as the company is drawing to a close. Not long now, just 4 weeks until I receive my notice of redundancy.

I've secured 2 interviews next week with another possible one on its way. Tomorrows one is a good location but my Mum's comments left me a bit unsure, she says I'm too good for the position after reading the description. In all honesty she's right, the amount of staff management (the bit I'm good at!) is a lot less than I would like. Not sure keeping the kitchen area tidy is something that can keep me occupied.

Wednesdays is more to do with my sector - Financial Services and more management focused. Although they did say they would be some admin work to do within the team. Hmmm, they obviously haven't had the right manager yet! Location will be great when I move to the opposite end of London too. They're only interview me and another person so very promising. I like interviews and have a little winning folder I present at the end, hasn't failed yet...

Lastly the one I'm waiting to hear sounds challenging and interesting. Location is poor.

After a slow start the job hunt is coming together but looks like I'm going to have to compromise somewhere but I haven't decided one what yet, all depends on whether they offer me anything first.

That's the good bit...

Mum is doing OK, she's suggested to Dad some counseling which he has book for next Thursday. In the meantime it's fairly tense at home. Mum is hardly talking and Dad is calling me a lot. Today he need some advice from BF and he depressingly mentioned Mum had gone out to my aunts and he was home alone again.

I want to help them but its hard. Still doesn't seem real but I'm not holding my breath they can make this work.

BF just hasn't a clue.

Friday, Saturday and today he's spent the majority of his time out with the neighbours. Friday because I was out with work until 10pm, fair enough. Yesterday since we got back from the market so about 12/1pm and today watching the football. In between he's watched TV or played on the computer.

I'm bored of this crap. I'm bored of talking about him. I also know that this is the extent of the summer to come if I was to stay.

And finally M.

Thursday was our first in depth conversation for a while. It became frustrating and in a nutshell he announced in far too many words that it was time to walk away. I'd done playing games and acknowledged it with one word.

"Fine."

I think this made him realise I've had enough of the games and declaration of love. I'm tired of waiting for something that seems like it will never happen. Apparently my lack of contact and distance has made him realise he has to do something. Also apparently July is when it will all happen, after I settle into my job, should I get one, and moved into the flat.

I don't know if I care anymore! No I do care but the time when enough is enough is drawing near. He knows this and I confirmed it.

It is Monday now, I wrote the above on a very bad day and today is clearer.

Today I spoke to M for about an hour. He is still adamant and sure of his plan. He doesn't want to be without me and home is getting less and less bearable. I humor him and take it with a pinch of salt, he said he knows I will only believe him when he's on the doorstep with his bags - he's right!

Now I have to focus on my job hunt and interview technique.

A River of Tears

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-05-06 – 23:53:00

I'm not sure why I haven't been able to post for the last couple of weeks, scared of putting of this mess into print I guess. Not sure I've been in a state of mind to construct sentences, think it might have just been random words not making any sense - even to me! It's like my lips are tapes shut and if I let them part the words would fall out like a river.

I've had my Mum stay with me for a week, not sure it helped apart from take her away from the tense environment she's living in - feels like I let her down not encouraging her to talk more. I cooked and looked after her while she busied herself with a bit of cleaning and we painted the living room together. Dad has been in contact a few times, text, email and phone. He made me feel responsible in some way for 'convincing' Mum to keep us all together. I really don't think he has a clue and is just mortified at being found out and me and my Sister knowing. He didn't want Mum to tell us! Selfish bastard.

I've just come back from the bank holiday weekend at home as we were invited to my old school friends wedding. Unfortunately not the best time to be having to stay there. It was bearable and I think Mum tried to make it easy as possible, again putting everyone else before her.

Tonight Mum told me that they are going to their first counseling session next week, Dad booked it today. I hope it works to help them communicate better regardless whether it keeps them together.

There's so much still bottled up inside me and I don't know what direction I need to let this out in. My mind won't switch off at night and my dreams wake me more than usual. I'm not sure where to direct my energy - job, relationship or family?! They all need urgent attention.

I have felt a need to distance myself from M, not only through the pure guilt and disgust at my actions but to see if my feelings are still as strong. We last had contact on Friday, he was off to the family caravan for the bank holiday and I'd promised to be in touch Wednesday/Thursday the week following. 3 emails today on my work blackberry today! As usual all the right words said.

Not sure how long this is going to last, not sure how long I want this to last. Its been a hard lesson learnt by my own family been torn apart by lies and infidelity. It hurts like hell.

Difficult times ahead and its all sent to try us and make us stronger - aren't those the things people say?!... Hope some good comes out of it all.