Not sure I can believe yet what I'm about to write, in fact I can feel the nausea rising up my body.


Sunday was going to be about looking to the future and where I would be living to do that. Despite M skirting around the subject I was looking to my future whether he was part of it or not.

That was before my Sister called.

Asking if everything was OK I expected the usual answer of yes, but it wasn't. She was choosing her words carefully or just finding the right ones that were about to shatter everything.

Its Mum and Dad.

My whole body is shaking, what? What? What?

Her exact words, I think were... 

'Well you know when we (Sister and Mum) were in Brasil and Dad went to Rome. He didn't go alone, he went with another women'

If I had been stood up I would have collapsed to the floor at this point. I couldn't take this in, this wasn't happening. Mum didn't want to call and tell me because I had enough to worry about with my job. My Sister thought different and rightly so, it must have been horrible for her to have to tell me.

She wants him gone. She can't forget what he's done and doesn't want to end up bitter and resentful.

BF must have realised it wasn't a good conversation and was at the bedroom door. I shove the phone in his hands because I can't hold the tears back anymore.

I was in the process of getting ready to leave the house to meet my auntie. I had to pull myself together.  Lunch was surreal but I just keep it together. She doesn't know anything and its not for me to break the news, plus I need speak to Mum first. I leave for home knowing I'll be moving out and into her flat in July.

I am beside myself with thoughts of my broken family and I retreat into myself. Up to now BF has really had many words to say to me and when I hide away upstairs he asks what he's done wrong. I can't control my anger at him. I know he hasn't a clue what to say but I'm not going to be all happy and smiles not know what the hell is happening to my family. It sums him up and makes me decision to leave all the more the right one.

I've managed to calm down when G text me. He asked the previous night if I wanted to go round for a drink. I was non committal and said it depended on my day plans.

'it would be easier to meet the Pope then get to chat with you for an hour'

That was it, the step too far. I requested BF contact him to ask him to give me some space to deal with some news I'd had. It finally worked. This is the least of my worries...

I was due in work Monday but I couldn't face it, I knew I had to call Mum and couldn't do that at work. She beat me to it but I daren't answer. BF came home while I called back. It was the most painful call ever. I wanted to be strong for her but there were times when I couldn't hold my emotions in. 

Its all a mess. She's worried about the practicalities of living on her own and an income. Not to mention what it's done to me and my Sister. We talk about her visiting for a while as I'm on leave and she's booked to come down on Saturday until Thursday.

My head is spinning. I flit from the pain my Mum is in to my Dad and the slut he did this with to me and what I'm doing with M. The slut was a silly mistake, someone he met in the internet (no surprise there) but wants to work things out with Mum. A mistake he had planned since at least October last year. Mum found the flight details, no denying it. Of course he did until she showed him the evidence. He thinks if he deletes all the evidence etc they can go back to how they were. Now that's silly to think that!

Tuesday I'd offered to help my auntie at the hospital. She's having a minor procedure but under a general. It's a long day only to find out BF has fucked off to the pub with next door because he couldn't get hold of me. 

Bang.

That's the final nail in the coffin BF has just made.

M has been supportive as much has he can be at 100 miles away but we talk and talk and says the right things. All those things you want to hear when you're hurting.  I feel disgusted with myself that I'm carrying on contact with him knowing how much hurt this causes families. No more Christmas together, no more all those little things that make our family what we are. This was the only thing stable in my life and I feel like I have nothing at the moment.

Today has been hard. Dad tried calling at work, then my mobile twice, then work again. He leaves a voicemail. He states the obvious that I probably don't want to talk to him but he needs my help to sort out the 'problem'. I text him I can't talk at work I'll talk later. He wants to know what time. I let him know when I'll be free for him to suggest lunch time. I need to be at home for this conversation, but he doesn't realise this until I point it out to him.

M calms me before the expected call. It's short and to the point. He wants my help but I'm not here to take sides I want to help them both. I'll talk with him more tomorrow. He loves me and I love him back, I don't remember when he last told me that. My parents have never been one to say those words it always been assumed. 

I am scared of how this will affect all our lives and will take an awful lot of time to mend whatever the final decision.

It's just such a shock and a horrible mess.