I've been a little scared to write the events of the last couple of days, seeing it in black and white highlights the reality of the situation.
Tuesday resulted in a short and not very constructive phone call between me and M. He rattled off his reasons for not being in touch. A mixture of sorting out the car with his previous job, walking in Wales over the weekend and starting his new job. He hasn't been avoiding me, apparently.
Yep all legitimate and reasonable but still... How long does it take to text and tell me?!
He cleverly detects the lack of compassion in my voice which was not very well disguised and he declares that he just messes everything up. We agree to talk later but nothing.
Yesterday was restless. I was on my 'work form home' day and there was silence, nothing from M, nothing on the job front, and sh*t on the TV. I did manage to find a running club to join and my dance teacher finally got in touch to arrange a lesson.
Just as a side line to the, no doubt, boring and predictable M situation, I take private dance lessons at a studio in London. My teacher is brilliant, encouraging and pushes me to my limit. She's just done the Sugababes tour so will have lots of inspiration for our new routines. I love dancing, I taken lessons since I was 3 had a break in my early 20's and been back for 2 years. That would be my dream job.
Back to yesterday, I tried calling more times than I care to declare to finally get a response to say he can't have his mobile on in the office and that he'd seen the calls and texts and knows what's coming. He's tired and can't face it right now. He'll call after 6pm.
We talk through the things which are stressing him.
1. Work. They seem to be very much like his previous one - dodgy. He's working until 6 and then has a 30 mile drive home.
2. He's suppose to be doing a sponsored walk for the hospital he was in when he had cancer and the training is not going well. He was f*cked after one day of a 17 mile session when he has to average 22 miles to complete the walk in 2 weeks.
3. The recent trip back to hospital brought back memories of the cancer.
The only thing that keeps him going is me. Its great to hear but how can I believe that when he shuts me out. He feels better after talking with me and it focus his mind on the positives again. He forgets I want to help him through the bad times just as much as enjoying the good times we've spent together.
We spoke again this morning. He feels better. I encourage him to rethink the walking and postpone for a while. No point in ending up in hospital. He's not committed to a date just that he wants to do something to give back to the hospital which helped him. One less thing to stress about until he's ready and fit to do it.
The job is a difficult one. I hate being in a job I hate and make rash decisions to get out as soon as possible. He has to weigh up the benefit of taking time to find the right one, money at the end of the month and the stress its causing him. Not to mention the petrol cost.
The depression; I can't even began to relate to how having cancer would change you. My Auntie survived ovarian cancer 8 years ago and has given her a very positive outlook on life and is now living in Brazil. Everyone is different in how they handle things.
He tells me he keeps looking for signs and he's made the right decision - me. He confessed to his brother -in-law at the weekend about me and how to deal with telling the kids. I see this as a good sign but the lack of conviction in things I ask him worries me still.
I've asked him today to think about where he see us in the next 3 months and if the doubt out ways the want to be with me I need to know. I'm seeing my Auntie on Sunday and will discuss the option of renting her flat until she sells it. This would mean not renewing the current tenants lease so I don't want to start something that was never going to happen.
There's been enough talking and sharing of dreams of the future, I need a little action now.
