I want to be strong, really I do. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. I'm agitated, waiting for that beep of a message to tell me everything is OK. It's all just a misunderstanding but 4 full days of nothing doesn't bring that hope anymore.
I called first this morning, ringing out to the sound of the answer phone clicked in. I couldn't listen to the words recorded to greet me. The follow up text hasn't been responded to either.
Going back to yesterday, Sunday, we had a 'good' day. I say it like that because I'm not really sure what is good anymore. We'd been into London, got rained on the whole time we were there and then it stopped as we boarded the train.
Opening the front door a gorgeous aroma of meat cooking slowly made us groan in delight. Eating the meat and potato pie was even more delicious than it smelt. The suet pastry was the best I've ever made it. We also cleared 2 bottles of wine between us. I don't recall the time but it occurred to me I hadn't thought of M for the majority of the day. Not sure if that was a good thing or not.
Today I'm consumed by him again. I cave in and try to contact him. Anything back would be nice. Even 'piss off'! NOTHING. I don't think it has helped that I've been on my own for the most of the day with my thoughts. Wild thoughts have ran through my brain, has he had an accident? Is his family OK? I check out his myspace blog and it confirms he last logged in yesterday, then I check his Facebook (limited profile as we can't be friends...) the number of friends has increased meaning activity in the last 4 days.
To top my day off G has been harassing me. Here's today's:
G: Are you behaving yourself?
me: Yes
G: I expect you've been out jogging? NOT
me: I consider going to interviews more important at the moment.
G: ... Christ you're secretive. Hope they went well
It continues by a few more texts but its just shit and not worthy of recalling now. He's testing me and I will snap fairly soon. I know it's his humor but its not even funny.
Things to focus on this week...
Following up on all the interview/registrations that I've attended
Make firm arrangements for meeting up with S (Auntie) on Sunday
Enjoy the fact I'm off again on Wednesday and Thursday - DO NOT WALLOW IN SELF PITY
Find a local running club.
That will do for now.
I am going to keep strong and repeat those words in my head when I need some hope to cling onto - thank you fairplay 
