I have that sicken feeling in the pit of my stomach that rises into my chest and the back of my throat. I can't decide whether that's down to the lack of communication from M or the amount of taffy I've consumed. Bit of both I expect.


The final part of our conversation on Thursday was that he was driving home to talk to a contact about a new job and to email me. 

Nothing. 

Friday. Nothing, nothing all day or evening.

I last text Friday morning as I set off for my interview at the agency. Nothing. He's away at the caravan all weekend with only his brother-in-law training for his walk in June. Still nothing. 

I don't understand. Why no contact? Is something wrong? Up to now there's always been an explanation, usually after the event. I expect there's one Monday too. Nothing dramatic like the ones whirling round my head. 

I still don't understand. He professes I'm constantly on his mind and pressing send and receive waiting for my replies on email, especially if he thinks he's said the wrong thing. He's always waiting for that message from me. So why doesn't he let me know, even if its just, 'difficult to talk I'll be in touch'. But I get nothing. He knows how this makes me feel but doesn't alleviate this.

For me his words don't match his actions, well, lack of actions. 

There are times when I feel like walking away and starting again with everything. Make things simple for myself. Selfish I know, but still I hate how I've made my life so complicated. I have to take account for my actions and I'm getting closer to ending it (with M and BF). I've told M before he's made me feel like ending this to see what he's reaction is but I don't want to do this. If I do it's for real. 

It's definitely the taffy, my teeth are covered in sugar and I feel like I'm having a rush. Least I've got this off my chest, I can park all these nonsense feelings until I have the facts to deal with.

BTW  the taffy was apple sour with a peanut butter centre all the way from Canada. A present from G. I fallen in love with it!!