Past, Present & Future

A Horrible Mess

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-24 – 23:03:00

Not sure I can believe yet what I'm about to write, in fact I can feel the nausea rising up my body.

Sunday was going to be about looking to the future and where I would be living to do that. Despite M skirting around the subject I was looking to my future whether he was part of it or not.

That was before my Sister called.

Asking if everything was OK I expected the usual answer of yes, but it wasn't. She was choosing her words carefully or just finding the right ones that were about to shatter everything.

Its Mum and Dad.

My whole body is shaking, what? What? What?

Her exact words, I think were...

'Well you know when we (Sister and Mum) were in Brasil and Dad went to Rome. He didn't go alone, he went with another women'

If I had been stood up I would have collapsed to the floor at this point. I couldn't take this in, this wasn't happening. Mum didn't want to call and tell me because I had enough to worry about with my job. My Sister thought different and rightly so, it must have been horrible for her to have to tell me.

She wants him gone. She can't forget what he's done and doesn't want to end up bitter and resentful.

BF must have realised it wasn't a good conversation and was at the bedroom door. I shove the phone in his hands because I can't hold the tears back anymore.

I was in the process of getting ready to leave the house to meet my auntie. I had to pull myself together. Lunch was surreal but I just keep it together. She doesn't know anything and its not for me to break the news, plus I need speak to Mum first. I leave for home knowing I'll be moving out and into her flat in July.

I am beside myself with thoughts of my broken family and I retreat into myself. Up to now BF has really had many words to say to me and when I hide away upstairs he asks what he's done wrong. I can't control my anger at him. I know he hasn't a clue what to say but I'm not going to be all happy and smiles not know what the hell is happening to my family. It sums him up and makes me decision to leave all the more the right one.

I've managed to calm down when G text me. He asked the previous night if I wanted to go round for a drink. I was non committal and said it depended on my day plans.

'it would be easier to meet the Pope then get to chat with you for an hour'

That was it, the step too far. I requested BF contact him to ask him to give me some space to deal with some news I'd had. It finally worked. This is the least of my worries...

I was due in work Monday but I couldn't face it, I knew I had to call Mum and couldn't do that at work. She beat me to it but I daren't answer. BF came home while I called back. It was the most painful call ever. I wanted to be strong for her but there were times when I couldn't hold my emotions in.

Its all a mess. She's worried about the practicalities of living on her own and an income. Not to mention what it's done to me and my Sister. We talk about her visiting for a while as I'm on leave and she's booked to come down on Saturday until Thursday.

My head is spinning. I flit from the pain my Mum is in to my Dad and the slut he did this with to me and what I'm doing with M. The slut was a silly mistake, someone he met in the internet (no surprise there) but wants to work things out with Mum. A mistake he had planned since at least October last year. Mum found the flight details, no denying it. Of course he did until she showed him the evidence. He thinks if he deletes all the evidence etc they can go back to how they were. Now that's silly to think that!

Tuesday I'd offered to help my auntie at the hospital. She's having a minor procedure but under a general. It's a long day only to find out BF has fucked off to the pub with next door because he couldn't get hold of me.

Bang.

That's the final nail in the coffin BF has just made.

M has been supportive as much has he can be at 100 miles away but we talk and talk and says the right things. All those things you want to hear when you're hurting. I feel disgusted with myself that I'm carrying on contact with him knowing how much hurt this causes families. No more Christmas together, no more all those little things that make our family what we are. This was the only thing stable in my life and I feel like I have nothing at the moment.

Today has been hard. Dad tried calling at work, then my mobile twice, then work again. He leaves a voicemail. He states the obvious that I probably don't want to talk to him but he needs my help to sort out the 'problem'. I text him I can't talk at work I'll talk later. He wants to know what time. I let him know when I'll be free for him to suggest lunch time. I need to be at home for this conversation, but he doesn't realise this until I point it out to him.

M calms me before the expected call. It's short and to the point. He wants my help but I'm not here to take sides I want to help them both. I'll talk with him more tomorrow. He loves me and I love him back, I don't remember when he last told me that. My parents have never been one to say those words it always been assumed.

I am scared of how this will affect all our lives and will take an awful lot of time to mend whatever the final decision.

It's just such a shock and a horrible mess.

Pillow Talk and Tears

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-17 – 19:50:00

He's breaking me.

He says the right things, he loves me, we'll be together, he's never felt like this before - physically or mentally and many more. So why are we miles apart and no where near being together?

Because of his baggage that's why. I know that.

I wouldn't nor couldn't tell him when or how he should tell them he's leaving but it's getting hard, I manage to whisper as the tears well up, running down my cheeks.

He thinks he's upset me and he can't get off the phone quick enough, asks me to call him in the morning.

I want him to see this side of me, I'm not a naturally strong person - just stupid when it comes to men! Dealing with this while still living with BF, the job situation and not to forget the bloody annoying neighbour is hard and I don't think I can carry on much longer. My own fault of course!

I kinda (no kinda I wanted him to!) hoped he'd text to make sure I'm OK but nothing. Perhaps he thinks I'm putting this on. I am capable but these are real tears of sadness.

Decisions Decisions

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-17 – 16:58:00

I've been a little scared to write the events of the last couple of days, seeing it in black and white highlights the reality of the situation.

Tuesday resulted in a short and not very constructive phone call between me and M. He rattled off his reasons for not being in touch. A mixture of sorting out the car with his previous job, walking in Wales over the weekend and starting his new job. He hasn't been avoiding me, apparently.

Yep all legitimate and reasonable but still... How long does it take to text and tell me?!

He cleverly detects the lack of compassion in my voice which was not very well disguised and he declares that he just messes everything up. We agree to talk later but nothing.

Yesterday was restless. I was on my 'work form home' day and there was silence, nothing from M, nothing on the job front, and sh*t on the TV. I did manage to find a running club to join and my dance teacher finally got in touch to arrange a lesson.

Just as a side line to the, no doubt, boring and predictable M situation, I take private dance lessons at a studio in London. My teacher is brilliant, encouraging and pushes me to my limit. She's just done the Sugababes tour so will have lots of inspiration for our new routines. I love dancing, I taken lessons since I was 3 had a break in my early 20's and been back for 2 years. That would be my dream job.

Back to yesterday, I tried calling more times than I care to declare to finally get a response to say he can't have his mobile on in the office and that he'd seen the calls and texts and knows what's coming. He's tired and can't face it right now. He'll call after 6pm.

We talk through the things which are stressing him.

1. Work. They seem to be very much like his previous one - dodgy. He's working until 6 and then has a 30 mile drive home.

2. He's suppose to be doing a sponsored walk for the hospital he was in when he had cancer and the training is not going well. He was f*cked after one day of a 17 mile session when he has to average 22 miles to complete the walk in 2 weeks.

3. The recent trip back to hospital brought back memories of the cancer.

The only thing that keeps him going is me. Its great to hear but how can I believe that when he shuts me out. He feels better after talking with me and it focus his mind on the positives again. He forgets I want to help him through the bad times just as much as enjoying the good times we've spent together.

We spoke again this morning. He feels better. I encourage him to rethink the walking and postpone for a while. No point in ending up in hospital. He's not committed to a date just that he wants to do something to give back to the hospital which helped him. One less thing to stress about until he's ready and fit to do it.

The job is a difficult one. I hate being in a job I hate and make rash decisions to get out as soon as possible. He has to weigh up the benefit of taking time to find the right one, money at the end of the month and the stress its causing him. Not to mention the petrol cost.

The depression; I can't even began to relate to how having cancer would change you. My Auntie survived ovarian cancer 8 years ago and has given her a very positive outlook on life and is now living in Brazil. Everyone is different in how they handle things.

He tells me he keeps looking for signs and he's made the right decision - me. He confessed to his brother -in-law at the weekend about me and how to deal with telling the kids. I see this as a good sign but the lack of conviction in things I ask him worries me still.

I've asked him today to think about where he see us in the next 3 months and if the doubt out ways the want to be with me I need to know. I'm seeing my Auntie on Sunday and will discuss the option of renting her flat until she sells it. This would mean not renewing the current tenants lease so I don't want to start something that was never going to happen.

There's been enough talking and sharing of dreams of the future, I need a little action now.

Still Nothing...

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-14 – 22:31:00

I want to be strong, really I do. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. I'm agitated, waiting for that beep of a message to tell me everything is OK. It's all just a misunderstanding but 4 full days of nothing doesn't bring that hope anymore.

I called first this morning, ringing out to the sound of the answer phone clicked in. I couldn't listen to the words recorded to greet me. The follow up text hasn't been responded to either.

Going back to yesterday, Sunday, we had a 'good' day. I say it like that because I'm not really sure what is good anymore. We'd been into London, got rained on the whole time we were there and then it stopped as we boarded the train.

Opening the front door a gorgeous aroma of meat cooking slowly made us groan in delight. Eating the meat and potato pie was even more delicious than it smelt. The suet pastry was the best I've ever made it. We also cleared 2 bottles of wine between us. I don't recall the time but it occurred to me I hadn't thought of M for the majority of the day. Not sure if that was a good thing or not.

Today I'm consumed by him again. I cave in and try to contact him. Anything back would be nice. Even 'piss off'! NOTHING. I don't think it has helped that I've been on my own for the most of the day with my thoughts. Wild thoughts have ran through my brain, has he had an accident? Is his family OK? I check out his myspace blog and it confirms he last logged in yesterday, then I check his Facebook (limited profile as we can't be friends...) the number of friends has increased meaning activity in the last 4 days.

To top my day off G has been harassing me. Here's today's:

G: Are you behaving yourself?

me: Yes

G: I expect you've been out jogging? NOT

me: I consider going to interviews more important at the moment.

G: ... Christ you're secretive. Hope they went well

It continues by a few more texts but its just shit and not worthy of recalling now. He's testing me and I will snap fairly soon. I know it's his humor but its not even funny.

Things to focus on this week...

Following up on all the interview/registrations that I've attended

Make firm arrangements for meeting up with S (Auntie) on Sunday

Enjoy the fact I'm off again on Wednesday and Thursday - DO NOT WALLOW IN SELF PITY

Find a local running club.

That will do for now.

I am going to keep strong and repeat those words in my head when I need some hope to cling onto - thank you fairplay

Nothing Hurts

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-12 – 20:32:00

I have that sicken feeling in the pit of my stomach that rises into my chest and the back of my throat. I can't decide whether that's down to the lack of communication from M or the amount of taffy I've consumed. Bit of both I expect.

The final part of our conversation on Thursday was that he was driving home to talk to a contact about a new job and to email me.

Nothing.

Friday. Nothing, nothing all day or evening.

I last text Friday morning as I set off for my interview at the agency. Nothing. He's away at the caravan all weekend with only his brother-in-law training for his walk in June. Still nothing.

I don't understand. Why no contact? Is something wrong? Up to now there's always been an explanation, usually after the event. I expect there's one Monday too. Nothing dramatic like the ones whirling round my head.

I still don't understand. He professes I'm constantly on his mind and pressing send and receive waiting for my replies on email, especially if he thinks he's said the wrong thing. He's always waiting for that message from me. So why doesn't he let me know, even if its just, 'difficult to talk I'll be in touch'. But I get nothing. He knows how this makes me feel but doesn't alleviate this.

For me his words don't match his actions, well, lack of actions.

There are times when I feel like walking away and starting again with everything. Make things simple for myself. Selfish I know, but still I hate how I've made my life so complicated. I have to take account for my actions and I'm getting closer to ending it (with M and BF). I've told M before he's made me feel like ending this to see what he's reaction is but I don't want to do this. If I do it's for real.

It's definitely the taffy, my teeth are covered in sugar and I feel like I'm having a rush. Least I've got this off my chest, I can park all these nonsense feelings until I have the facts to deal with.

BTW the taffy was apple sour with a peanut butter centre all the way from Canada. A present from G. I fallen in love with it!!

One Word Meme

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-12 – 13:19:00

Where is your mobile phone? Sofa

Your significant other? Working

Your hair? Glossy

Your Mother? Mad

Your Father? Hero

Your favourite thing? Phone

Your dream last night? Coloured

Your favourite drink? Champagne

Your dream/goal? Love

The room you're in? Front

Your ex? Forgotten

Your fear? Pain

Where do you want to be in 6 years time? Content

Where were you last night? Home

What you're not? Courageous

One of your wish list items? Family

Where you grew up? Sheffield

The last thing you did? Text

What are you wearing? PJ's

Your TV? On

Your pets? None

Your computer? Used

Your life? Complicated

Your Mood? Apprehensive

Missing someone? Always

Your car? Sold

Something you're not wearing? Knickers

Favourite store? Reiss

Your summer? Laughing

You're favourite colour? Black

Last time you laughed? Yesterday

Last time you cried? March

Checking In

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-10 – 14:51:00

I feel bad if I don't post at least once a day as this is my self prescribed therapy until further notice. So I'm checking in with myself.

No really change with work, still nothing to keep me occupied for a full 8 hours, not even 2. Although I have found an online course to type correctly but it has reduced my speed to 5 words per minute!

G (the neighbor) is back and already annoying me. Yesterdays little message at 8:15 was...

'Very Pretty'

This was in relation to my outfit. Yes he really does stand outside his window when I'm due to go to work to look at what I'm wearing.

Today it took G until 12:47 (I lost the bet with M that he would email before 1pm) to email. He managed to put his foot in it with commenting on my free time to which I replied it's a perk of being made redundant (you prick). Good excuse to terminate the conversation.

More of the same with M today, general chit chat. He's had a few calls from agency's over the past two days so things are looking up until he was 'asked to leave with immediate effect' at 1pm today. The company he worked for was a little dodgy so its not a bad thing.

And that's it...

I'm off tomorrow and have agency interview plus I've had another call from one today which has made me giggle some what.

I have a girl on my team who is a little challenging to manage at times, in a nutshell; she's spoilt and doesn't take 'positive' feedback well. She was complaining that an agency has declined her CV due to the current market and the volumes of candidates they have already they will not taking on anyone else. I was called by the same agency today asking if I was still looking for work... I think they missed off that they were only interested in quality candidates.

Checking out and fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Cars, Trucks and Freaky Family

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-08 – 22:37:00

Nothing; despite pressing send and received for the 100th time this morning. No email declaring he'd done the deed, left his wife and was on his way to get me.

I had to know so initiated the conversation. 10 minutes and no reply. Now I'm thinking all sorts. Perhaps he's not in work, I can't text because she might be with him.

Bloody hell.

Ping.

M.

I flinch opening the mail, scared of what words would greet me. The first line tugs at my heart. I've took his breath away, the present, more so the card and my words. It was all a bit waffly and it wasn't penned in the most romantic of settings, the post office, where I poured my heart out. I just wished I'd bought a bigger card, I ended up writing on the envelope!

He says everything was quiet at home, the girls were out and she never really spoke to him, apart from whatever he does its down to him. Clever lady; she won't throw him out, he has to be the one who chooses to leave her and the girls.

He does refer to her by her name quite often, it strikes me where I feel all the guilt. He does that today, refer to her by name. He sometimes refer to BF by his name. I can't. It makes it real, a name. I know I can't erase his past and wouldn't want to. I know I can't expect not to hear or see that familiarity but it just highlights the little time we have spent together.

I'm right (women are always right

), time is getting short and decisions are almost upon us. But that's it really, no answers. But he doesn't have them yet, there's no point in asking sometimes. The remainder of the day is light to some point. Tomorrow is another day and he's got his bloods tomorrow, plus he'll have his full results of his last bone marrow.

Last night BF was the first to sponsor me for the race, £25. Things like this make me feel guilty as hell. His little comment was 'go for it babe'. My parents have also. The comments look like I'm from a freak family!! Dad says his money is all in pennies, all £25, and Mum says its from the mad women. Jesus, do they not realise they are shown publicly??? Makes me smile though.

We (BF) joked about that the stalker neighbour who would surely sponsor me on his return and would probably pledge more to look good with me - this was coming from the BF. Kinda surprised me at the acknowledgment of the stalkers underlying intentions but we were laughing all the same.

Seconds after our conversation, the neighbour text (hmmm, need an initial for him. G. There).

'You don't know who drove into my car I suppose?'

Is he accusing me? I thought. Turns out it was a tow truck taking away someone's porsche. I must admit I did giggle to myself and with BF. I saw the damage on the way home, a nice big scrape all the way down to the metal. Whoopsie!

In the middle of the text conversation I'd had with G he added a

'Ps. You didn't fancy the first BBQ of the season?'

He was referring to the Friday night session in the garden where BF got completely out of it. He'd only been back in the country hours and he's had the full run down of the Mews.

I've got to move out.

Highs and Lows

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-07 – 23:32:00

The thought of dragging myself into work today didn't fill me with joy, the prospect of having nothing to do all day is exhausting and soul destroying.

M's first email of the day was to the point. I'd text late last night, knowing he usually switches his phone off for it to be read by his wife. Boy did I feel bad. He says its been brewing but I was the catalyst and I could have avoid it for him. He debated tell the girls at the weekend and even tonight he feels its nearly there but he's not as brave as he thought he was.

There's still something between us, I know its me. I'm putting up the barriers in readiness for the knock back. I'm not 100% sure its coming but I can't take that chance. I can't let him hurt me.

I'd been keep a Smythson note book I'd order for him at Christmas with his initials engraved. Its red with gold lettering and very me. I found a little card and bought a oyster card and wallet (for visits to me). I thought I would send it up to his work for him to open tomorrow. I loving giving gifts I've picked out for people I care for, I like seeing their faces. I won't see his face but I'll know when I speak to him, his voice gives a lot away. My message said I thought we were coming to a cross roads and decisions will be made and I'm not sure of the outcome. So this might be a little memory of me and wanted it to be sexy (its red leather) and chic (expensive!).

Our last conversation of the day he said two things which I don't know what to make of this evening. There's room at his Mum's now she's not moving, which would be ideal for the moment being close to the girls. Secondly when I'd asked if he was in tomorrow he said yes but might not later in the week if he moved out, he wouldn't be up to going to work. But these are words and words get twisted and scenarios built round them in your head when they aren't your words. Reality is, I'm miles away and have no idea what's happening.

So the waiting game continues...

On a happier note I registered on a recruitment agency website and I had a call!! Its for an Office Manager, perfect. The interview with the agency is on Friday and all being well my details will be forward to the prospect client and maybe my new employer. One slight issue... Its based near Selfridges on Oxford Street... My favourite store. Ouch I can hear my credit card screaming already.

I must admit I've picked out a few items for purchasing with my little windfall due in June. They comprise of a couple of classic pieces from Reiss and a Mui Mui bag I spotted on ASOS. That's £500 gone already!!

Apart from being hopeless in relationships I love clothes and shopping and piecing items together. I like to buy a couple of classic and demur pieces a few times a year. Usually a couple of dresses, a decent coat and fab shoes. This year I've already treated myself to a gorgeous Anna Sui coat in the sale from net-a-porter, ball hurting shoes and a fitted dress.

I shan't go on as I'll be dreaming bags and shoes all night!!

Until tomorrow, I'm sure there'll be something to tell either confirmation of what I'm feeling or sheer panic that he's left (panic in a good way I will add!).

Addictive and Annoying but Fun! Try it, You Might Like it

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-06 – 20:44:00

www.miniclip.com/games/bloxorz/en/

Back Down to Earth

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-05 – 23:16:00

I wasn't sure I had much to write so I've left it until now. I sometimes start these entries thinking that they are going to be relatively short but they never are. I have a feeling this one is one of those.

As Friday afternoon drew to an end I'd become increasing agitated with the horrendous lack of work. As I was preparing to leave for a few drinks my boss and GBF dropped out at the last minute. Actually I was tempted just to head home myself now. Within a split second I was.

BF was surprised to see me and I was off-hand with him for no real reason other than M hadn't got back in contact. So much for my patience of earlier... Typical me. After a few mutter words between us I head off to bed. By 8pm he was itching to go out, he had to go because the neighbours had bought extra food so he couldn't let them down... But it is OK when it's me I said silently in my head.

My boss text to say he'd received a call from a slightly tipsy informant who'd been at the engagement drinks I was due to go to. The groom to be had set off a fire extinguisher and ended up being cautioned by the police. The bride to be was not impressed!! This will be the hot topic on Monday, might make the day go quicker!!

BF comes back in around 10pm for something, oh yes, his ipod connection because they wanted some music. Then I'm rudely awaken by him creeping around the room for his trousers for money, apparently, I don't believe him. Then I can hear shouting from downstairs, I can't make out the words but it sounds like baby. I end up shouting his name as I walk down to see what's going on, I wasn't sure what to expect. He's completely out of it sat on the sofa. Looks like he's been on the computer but I'm not 100%. I'm wide awake and its 3am. I'm well pissed off by this point.

He's been in bed until early afternoon and comes into the bedroom like nothing happened, not that I'm sure what went on. I don't ask and he doesn't offer any information on the evenings events.

My Mum is back today from her 2 week break in Brasil. She sounds awful on the phone, she's been ill for most of the holiday. Her rendition of the 2 weeks doesn't sound too good in all aspects, then we finally get round to discussing the work situation and BF. She thinks we're going through a bad patch, I can't bring myself to tell her it might be a permanent bad patch that we don't recover from but she glosses over it and doesn't want to get involved I sense.

I've spent most of the day in bed and when I finally manage to drag myself out and sit down stairs with BF he falls asleep. I can't hide my annoyance so I take myself off back up stairs to write this. BF has just come up and asked to turn the lights down, I give him a non committal shrug and he says he'll go in the front room. One part of me is glad, the other I just want to shout at him.

I can't shake this heavy feeling I have today, part is probably hormonal so hopefully it will pass tomorrow. I expect Sunday will bring more doom and gloom as I feel like I've held back my annoyance and anger today and it has to come out sometime. This helps though, writing down my thoughts so I can come back to them and read them in the cold light of day and thinking - what was I thinking?!? Puts things back into context and they end up being not so important.

(This one just makes me smile so I've added it for no other reason than that - god I'm strange at times)

Gin and Tonic is the Poison Tonight!

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-04 – 13:05:00

I do lack patience in most things, especially when I know what I want. I want M, a new fabulous job and a new home. Just like that!

Yesterday I was full of cheer and hope, planning the start of my new life. M and I were discussing on email and text our holiday plans for July. Brasil is proving to be expensive for flights so Italy with my friend is looking more likely. Ryanair are quoting £194 return for both of us. Bit of a difference to £1,500.

Last night I was out for curry with my boss, we'd both been promising we would go for months. The conversation was mainly work orientated and then he asked about home and how things were going with BF. I was very matter of fact about the whole situation. Still my final comment was that I know what I need to do but it's just the how and when - my usual answer and justification for still being in the same situation.

BF was acting a little strange last night; he proclaimed his tiredness when I asked him how his evening went with a prospective business partner and didn't want to talk. He still stayed down stairs long after I fell asleep and then slept in the front bedroom. Apparently he didn't want to wake me... He left abruptly this morning.

All was fine on the phone this morning, next door are planning an evening drinking and eating and they obviously invited him. Unfortunately I'm out. This seems to have perked him up.

I had an email waiting from M this morning. He's feeling horny and I'm busy. He calls not long after and we both sense something isn't quite right with my attitude and tone. I'm feeling very matter of fact, very nonchalant. I'm not getting worked up about things I don't have control over, if I end up on my own then that's the way it's meant to be.

He's taken aback. 'Is is because it's the weekend and I'm away' he asks cautiously . 'Probably. It's just how I'm feeling today'. He's worried now, there's no need to be though. He ponders some more and comes up with, 'Well I guess it's a taste of my own medicine'. I answer yes, but I didn't need to.

The conversation ends a little abruptly with a commitment to speak next week/Monday and he's gone. I feel bad for how the conversation ended, not for what I said. He's always a believer in telling each other how we feel but when it's not the really positive and nice stuff he's almost offended I'm like that.

I'm sat at my desk writing this and I'm happy. Not with my situation but the fact that I'm taking things how they come and not worrying and putting others feelings before mine.

Hmmm. I think I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and make the most of this new feeling. I was about to add 'as it won't last' but I've deleted it because that is looking forward and planning my thoughts and feelings and I'm not doing that today.

Lobster, Chocolate Cake and Shoes

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-02 – 23:21:00

BF is so predictable. I am rather curious as to why he is taking me out to our favourite restaurant, its not wildly expensive but its neither cheap. M is jealous... Thinks he's going to present me with a proposal and ring. I already have an engagement ring which I don't particularly wear and BF would never do anything like that anyway.

The journey into town is light and chatty about the days events and mainly his work. He's recently set up his own building firm with lots of help from two investors he previously worked for. He has a business partner who is frankly a knob who we discuss with venom - I won't go into the specifics but it was warranted.

We weren't sat in the best location for dinner but its just one of those places where you don't book and wait for the next table or share a table. We were in between a French couple and another couple on a date. The conversation was a little stilted, the music didn't help, just didn't feel natural. I was asking him questions and his opinion and all I got was 'I don't know' or the question redirected back to me. This isn't unusually by any means but just didn't feel right.

He asks for the bill and takes out a nice wad of notes.

'So you either got some money unexpectedly today or you felt really guilty about not getting me a card on Sunday' I ask smiling, a little smugly as well probably.

'I got paid for last week'

Right... He didn't feel guilty then.

The lobster was amazing and the zucchini fries spot on. All finished off with a warm slice of chocolate cake to share. The meal was satisfying, the conversation a non starter.

Another 'work from home' day today, I'm getting too used to these lie ins! I was woken by a message from the BF. 'Call me when you're awake'. That will be now then I say to myself. His business investor has been speaking to him about my situation and has offered my a position as a Negotiator in his estate agency. Not sure this is me but its something to research and look into plus if (I would have liked to have wrote 'when' there but I'm not an optimist really) things work out with M I'm not sure what state me and BF will be left in. Hmmm. More thinking required on that one.

I didn't get chance to talk today with M, although spent most of the morning emailing. We were both at home so the content didn't have to be restricted and led to a few hot moments, actually just one moment this time. The replies took far too long for it to be anything more. Bloody internet at times

.

I had a lunch arranged at work for this afternoon before I allocated my days off so I decided I would keep the date and use it as an opportunity to do a little shopping afterwards. I did find it all a bit weird, the conversation was very similar to last night - a non starter. I'm not sure how my colleagues are dealing with the news of redundancy, but these are my closest friends too. It all felt a bit distant. For me I've dealt with my negative emotions quickly, probably because it is opening doors with my private life as opposed to work life.

The shopping was successful for the most part. I'm looking for a dress for a wedding in May and its proving difficult but I did but some gorgeous shoes which I don't really need...

Back to work tomorrow, roll on the 9th June.

Happily Redundant

by NorthernAngel ^Pro @ 2008-04-01 – 15:31:00

I need to