Archive - Past, Present & Future

7 Years Today - Happy Anniversary!

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-31 – 10:38:00

I wrote this last night but didn't have the opportunity to post.

Today is our anniversary of the day we met. I'd bought him a card with a sketch of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, our first city break away, I still remember the day now. I didn't get anything apart from an apology and that he'd do something special tomorrow when he got paid. I knew he'd forget because i hadn't mentioned it.

We've spent most of the day having a clean up round the house. I must admit he does do his part of the cleaning but he's lazy when it comes to tidying away and throwing things out we don't need anymore or don't want. I find it therapeutic to throw things out, have things in the right place. At first it was an obsession but as the years past I've had to let things go or it would have cause me to have a break down!!

Its been a weird day in general, nothing from M at all, I didn't expect anything. I know things are going to be stirred up again tomorrow. At the time when we're together everything seems hopeful, like its worth all the feelings of doubt.

Yet again I'm upstairs on my own, probably feeling sorry for myself in some way. I'd told BF of a new dentist nearby as I'd noticed his tooth towards the back had broken off. He needs to get it sorted before it gets any worse. 'When I've got some money', he snaps back. Shame he doesn't save all the money he spends on his bloody PS3 and Wii games and spends in on looking after himself. Its not worth retaliating back. He doesn't want to discuss it so we wont and he cuts me dead. This happens whenever he doesn't want to talk about something.

Usually the following:

Smoking - he doesn't want to stop regardless of what it could do to his health.
Driving - money.
Money - he never has any.
Planning of any sort, holidays, family, etc - Most of it comes down to money but he won't plan to save to be able to start discussing these things.

How can I think we could survive a life time together when we can't communicate about the important things?! Or the small things for that amtter.

Don't worry I know the answer to that!

I don't think we are incapable of communicating, just that we fallen into the trap - if we don't discuss it, its not happening or a problem.

So why am I going over things I already know the answer to? Well, I asked M on Friday, 'If it wasn't for me would you leave?' The answer was 'No I would stay for the kids'. Can I do the same and work at what I've got already?

Tomorrow is another day with more unanswered questions I expect.

Training Must Start No Later Than 1st June

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-29 – 22:05:00

In another attempt to focus on something else other than my ailing love life which I could sort in one fell swoop should I have inclination, I've just registered for the Race for Life. After having my Auntie survive cancer at 30 it's something close to my heart, particularly that 10 years on she's still has various side effects from her treatment and has just come out of hospital last weekend.

I have previously taken part 6 years ago when I was 6 years younger and a lot fitter. I also had the help of a previous marathon runner to encourage me to finish in 27 minutes.

So I need some training shoes and a training plan. They suggest training 6 weeks before the event. I do want to run the whole 5km and at least match my previous time. I think I might start 12 weeks before the day...

Now all I need now is to get some sponsorship!

Wish me luck, I will certainly need it this time around

An Evening in a Lenny Henry Hotel Room

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-29 – 19:35:19

Fingers crossed did worked!!

He left work round 11:30am to drop in at home to say bye to the kids before leaving for South Mimms services and the Premier Inn (not my choice I would like to add but his companies). He was planning to be at Potters Bar station to pick me up at 6:30pm.

There's not that excitement I usually feel rushing through my body when I have the prospect of seeing M. I question myself if this is a sign, I feel like this week has been the beginning of the end of us. He's so matter of fact on the phone, so cold.

He's on the platform waiting for me and greets me with a kiss, for a split second I don't know if I should do cheek or lips - I decide on the lips. Thought I was getting one on the cheek then, he jokes. You nearly were, I retaliated with.

He suggests a drive to check into the hotel and out for some dinner. I did want to talk, we needed to talk but also I wanted him to rip my clothes off and make love to me. As we drove we chatted about insignificant things that had happened in the day, traffic on the M1, the weather, anything to make the journey less uncomfortable. I noticed he's still wearing his wedding ring, he normally takes it off.

The receptionist is overly friendly and really needs to get out more, she asks if we are both staying and there is a hesitation by both of us until we say no at the same time. I'm trying to look as casual as possible and not like some whore who is about to shag this married mans brains out, I feel like its so obvious to the world.

In the room we're sat on the end of the bed together when he leans into me and kisses me. Shall we go to the bar, he asks. He wants to get out of the room, I can hear it in his voice. We hold each other for a while, apologising for how we've both been this week. He didn't think I would come, and if i did it was to tell him I was fed up and couldn't continue with our relationship. I didn't want this at all, I just need to hear all those promises he tells me on email and on the phone to my face. I needed some hope to help me carry on with the distance we have between us, physical distance of course!

We spend a couple of hours in the bar talking. He's touching me, complimenting me, brushing my hair from my face, we're joking together and contemplating our future. At some point he moves away to talk to the kids. We take our second round of drinks back to the room and kiss for what seems like hours. Fast, slow, delicate, firm, I love kissing, I love kissing M. I can feel him hard beneath me. We're still talking and laughing whilst he makes love to me twice, the second time was amazing,

Its close to midnight when we start the drive back to mine. It seems weird that he'll be dropping me off at home, I'm a bit apprehensive and nervous. I leave knowing we're back on track, there's still questions and fears we both still have but we both know them. We need to see each other more, so we don't fall back into the trap of assuming one anothers feelings and wants.

I wake this morning and it feels like he's still there holding me, fitting into the curves of my body. We've managed to speak 3 times today. I'm the happiest in weeks, although there's still a small amount of doubt in the back of my mind, but he knows this. We're working on it getting smaller with every time we're together. There's still a way to go to getting where we both want to be, and I know it can't be pacified with a few more visits every month/couple of months. We have to make some decisions to move forward or we're going to be back in the same position again, frustrated and angry with each other.

There is one thing that's bugging me. He'd told me to look him up on Facebook as he'd posted a picture on there. Oh and I would see his wife too... Everyone is curious aren't they? It takes a couple of searches to spot him and his wife. Not what I expected. He'd said she was large and always complaining about her weight. Its from the shoulders up but she's not big. She's just normal I guess, in weight and looks.

I miss him already and we won't speak again until Monday. I know the doubts will creep back sooner rather than later.

My Italian Friend - Lemons, Lemons and More Lemons

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-27 – 22:41:00

Thought I would write about something unrelated to my current misfortunes...

Last June I met my friend D for the first time since we met 20 years ago. A family holiday in Sicily is where we met playing on the beach. Her mother spoke a little english and we managed to determine that they were from Palermo and had a holiday flat in the next village on where we were staying.

Here is the cathedral in Cefalu by night

I still have the all the letters we sent, all the pictures and little things we'd cut out of magazines. Her english was practically perfect. There were a few years where there was no contact and then we had email to chat.

We'd constantly said we would meet again and last year we did. She also wanted to come to London to stay with us with her husband A. We booked our flights, we would go out there first at the end of May and then they would stay with us a month later.

As the day drew near I began to wonder how it would go. She had great written english but how would we get on communicating. I didn't know if her husband spoke much and how'd the BF would get on with them both. A week can be a very long time!

They were waiting at the airport, straight in front of us smiling as we came through customs. Hugs and kisses to welcome us and we were in the car on the way to her parents for dinner, it was nearing 10pm!! I don't remember her parents, only from the pictures D sent. It was the best meal ever, despite it being around 11:30 before finishing all 5 courses. This was nothing compared to the meals to come.

Her apartment was fantastic, elegant and immaculate. After an interesting night out the sofa bed we were tucking into fresh croissants with 'yellow creme' - custard. This brought back memories of my time when we met. My Mum would go to the bakery and we'd eat breakfast on the beach - croissants with yellow creme. After sampling lots through the week we decided the first were the best.

D had done a itinerary for the whole week, where we would visit, when and where we'd eat dinner, opening times and prices. Also she'd had all her meals planned out to. She really was an inspirational person, focused, determined, and always laughing.

The first day was the sights around Palermo with lunch at her apartment, spaghetti alla vongale - clams, my favourite. We spent some time at the beach which was a 20 minute car ride and also spent a few days back at the village where we met.

This is Mondello Beach

In between the sights and the beach we ate, and ate and ate. Both of their parents cooked fabulous meals for us, entertained us and made us feel so welcome. We had gifts galore to take back to england with us which included some home made lemoncello from A's parents and olive oil from D's parents own olive groves.

We spent the evenings meeting their friends and family, watching films (english speaking ones with subtitles in italian!) and talking. D showed me all her wedding photos, she has an obsession with photos. 1000 she took on their honeymoon. We shared so much in that week, we laughed, joke about men, she learnt me some italian.

One of our favourite trips out was to the Capuchins Catacombs.

The catacombs date back to the 1599 when the local priests mummified a holy monk for all to see. They wanted to pray to him after death. Some of the corpses have long ago lost their flesh and are skeletons. Others have mummified flesh, hair and even eyes! All are dressed in clothes from the period in which they lived.

Several of the corpses seem to be "screaming" from the dead. Time and gravity have distorted the corpses to look this way. It is very creepy!

Upon entering the catacombs, one might think that the smell would be terrible, or at least musty. Yet, there was no trace of any odor. Many of the corpses were close enough to touch, if you were so inclined.

As always D had the camera to hand and was sneaking photographs when the guide wasn't looking. Her husband looks on shaking his head whist smiling.

I didn't want to leave, we'd both had an amazing time, met some fantastic people and ate like kings ever day. The last stop on the way to the airport was the coffee bar where the first croissants we ate were. Mmmmm. Yum.

I haven't mention that we had a problem packing all our gifts and belongings. The day before we'd visited one of the street markets where A lived when younger, and we wanted a couple of lemons and a few peaches for the trip back. Hmmm. We ended up with a kilo of each. We carefully packed a a carrier bag full along with the oil, lemoncello, gifts and the presents we'd bought. Anyway we knew we were to our limit on the way out but our bags never got weighed, hopefully they wouldn't on the way back. Typically they did.

A trip over the desk to hand over the last of our euros, about £100... for lemons and peaches. As our hosts hadn't let us part with a single dime for any of the sight seeing, petrol or food we'd only spent our money on presents. We felt as guilty as hell the first few times but they insisted that this is what they did here and would accept our offer and they didn't expect this when they stayed with us.

Today I've been looking at flights to spend a weekend with them, here sister has just had a baby and I want to take lots of presents out to them. £50 return for me, I like the idea of it just being me.

A Cheery Disposition...

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-27 – 20:55:00

Its hard to describe the past few days. Its like I'm on a roller coaster, I can't get off nor can I scream out the words I feel inside.

I was gradually falling into a dip as the day (yesterday) progressed mainly due to the back and forth emails with M. He started the day off with promise with a cheery disposition but its fake we both have unanswered questions and feelings. His = I'm not sure where he wants answers from and me = I want answers from him. I'm not entirely sure what my questions are but I know I need something from him to keep me going.

The problem is we haven't seen each other for 5/6 weeks and all we have is misinterpreted emails and a few calls while I'm sat at my desk. We agree something needs to change because we going to tear each other to pieces (his words). I'm all out of ideas.

Tell me what's on your mind? Tell me how you are feeling? You'll never lose me for just telling me how you fell, he says.

I know there are still practicalities to sort and fix and its not going to happen over night but I can't even get you to commit to spending a day with me, I replied.

I can't quiet believe my eyes when he says he's angry, feels controlled and pushed and pulled. How can he commit to that when he doesn't know if he has a job in a 2 days? Is the jist of it. It was the 'controlled' I couldn't accept. He uses that word when describing his relationship with his wife.

Today I finally emailed around 10am, and called around 11am. He's in the middle of something and wants to call me back, he talks to me like nothing happened yesterday. When we finally spoke he's in a underground car park and the reception is poor. We don't even mention yesterday.

Guess where I might be tomorrow and Saturday? he asks.

Apparently he has appointments in Kent and London and if it pans out he'll drive down tomorrow and stay over. I'm not keeping my hopes up only to have them dashed at the last minute. He says I can shout at him in person. I brush this off as I don't want to have that conversation today, he makes a flippant comment about his evening being a big adventure or something. I hate this atmosphere we've created, but this was never going to be an easy journey, was it?

He's calling tomorrow to let me know. Fingers crossed.

So that's that.

I'm still recalling today's events in my mind as I take the train home. I have my keys handy (they're not in the bottom of my bag somewhere for a change) and walk in to find BF laid on the sofa, hands in his trousers on the internet. i frighten the shit out of him - ha. Least it gives me an excuse to lock myself upstairs and write.

Anyway I did actually have some good news at work!! Due to the lack of work in our department we're all been given 6 days to 'work from home' (toss it off) in April. Blimey. That applies to managers as well - i.e me!

Tomorrow is Friday and despite what might and might not pan out I'm going for a drink with my team after work - roll on 5:30pm!

Back to the Grindstone

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-25 – 19:45:00

Back at work today and was anticipating what the day would bring with M. I didn't have to wait long, 9:07am to be precise.

M: I guess you don't really want to hear from me for a while.

This has all got too much for us both I think. It is going to end up tearing us to pieces.

Spent the last 4 days thinking how horrible I was to you, and I hate myself for that.

Sorry just isn't enough, but from this distance is all I have.

How frustrating is this man?! ARGH.

Any sign of things not being all happy and smiles and he thinks the worst. I asked him what he wants next, in between telling him he acts like a twat at times. He wants a new job in London and me.

But when?

We email most of the morning, a bit of chit chat, discuss my friends predicament with her current BF or soon to be ex-BF, talk about my family. Just normal stuff.

He calls in the afternoon twice. I tell him it seems different between us, I think he's a bit taken aback, he hated last week we both just assumed things instead of asking. Work is annoying him, they're not paying his expenses and he needs all the money he can get.

I take a breath and say I miss him, I love him. It makes me feel funny inside (nice funny). Where did that come from he asked, I need to come and see you don't I? Yes you do M. We agree we'll see what happens with his job at the end of the month and agree a date in April for him to come down.

I know its there in black and white, he's never going to do it. He's a coward, he's said as much several times recently. I don't know how long I can keep this up but I'm not ready to let go yet.

Just wanted to share with you one of the reasons I fell for him. This is one of my favorite poem he's wrote for me. i just melt inside when I read it.

Part one, log cabin pines trees surround

Beneath the feet fresh snow on the ground

Only the whisper of falling snow

Within a fire casting its glow

No seats on which to sit

Just quilted rugs strewn about

The fireside focal and welcome and bright

The numbers just 2 on this special night

To one side a chilled ice bath for the champagne

To the other a low table has been elegantly lain

Two glasses rest half full and still cold

The light dimmed my heart already sold

Before upon the rugs wrapped and warm

The Angel I dream of waking, holding at dawn

Soft music plays on our ears

As night grows around us and nature hears

The duet we play as I bodies become one

Louisa a night of xmas end of part one.

Part two, years have passed us by

Now the cabin is a house where friends lie

The room is lit by magical lights

Outside the snow still deep stretching beyond sight

The table now tall and the offerings bold

No fire as our hearts warm away the cold

This room is filled with laughter and cheer

Of loved ones who care when we are near

At one end of the room stands my Angel she looks

Past chatterings and huddles a moment now took

Our eyes meet and both know the its true

We are back at the cabin now there is only you

In that instant we find again what was there

Upon that rug long ago your long golden hair

That night we cemented and cast our path in stone

Now sharing with friends that dream we call home.

For you as you like xmas.

xxxxx

A Sense of Relief

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-24 – 00:02:23

It was what we were dreading, she'd found the emails. Apart from that fact she'd always checked his phone and email there was something to find this time. I wasn't surprised, M is hardly PC or phone literate. Trying to figure out what he means in the middle of some hot phone/text sex does kinda interrupt the moment!

He asked me to give him some time, she wanted him to leave there and then and tell his kids. I did just that, as he'd asked.

This wasn't in the plan. The text came Christmas day of all days. It was the kids he can't leave them, how can you argue with that?!! You can't.

I finally text the following day that I can't let go and can't we give us some time. He wants to. He can't stop thinking about me but he's hurt too many people.

It isn't until the new year we talk properly. Things have calmed down at home, she thinks that he needs to go to the doctors, that he's not well from his cancer. I'll give him one thing, he is honest with his feelings whether there ones I want to hear or not.

So what's the plan this time? Well all the redundancy money he is due in January has been spent. He's not heard from the company he's due to start with in February. He's worried how he can afford to set himself up in London and take care of his responsibilities back home. Again, nothing you can argue with. Well I could but I couldn't. We still talk endlessly about how our future could look together, he writes poems which give me butterflies and I feel smitten again.

Just when i feel like things are moving forward she opens his phone bill and calls my number 10 times, its the one he's sent 300 texts to. I can't blame her, I'd do exactly the same. The rows increase they agree its over but neither ready to do anything about it. He wants to sort the finances and be able to talk to the kids properly.

Its the last weekend in February and we have the opportunity to spend an evening together, she wants him to go away to decide what he wants to do and I've gone home for the weekend. He wants us to plan what we need to do, how we do it etc. At the station I'm shy as ever, I didn't want to be but I can't help it. we drive to the hotel and we're in bed before I blink.

I will add that there has been major developments in our physical relationship, it will require and deserves a entry of its own.

So we'd made love a few times before he delivers the news. He had told me from the start that he'd had a vasectomy. We'd talked about what that meant for us and we discussed him having a reversal. He's contacted the clinic (this surprises me, makes me feel he is serious - more than I had been telling him I thought he was), and due to the amount the surgeon had taken away the success rate for a reversal is low. Blow one. I'm speechless. He looks in my eyes and he looks back broken. I think I managed an 'oh'. He'd keep this from me for a month, he wanted to tell me to my face. Secondly he's had symptoms that he thinks might be prostate cancer and he's scared as hell. Blow two.

Again he pushes me away says he can't give me what I want (kids) and he's scared of the cancer, doesn't want me to have to cope with it. I'm torn, I'm angry. Angry that he's kept this from me, met me under false pretenses in a way, angry that I love this man regardless of what life throws at us and he just wants to push me away.

I finally let rip on him, in a measured, sensible way, I've never seen in myself before. I tell him that he's just got one opinion and run with it, thought the worst. Had he researched it at all? No. I sent him several articles on the subject. There's no guarantees with pregnancy full stop. The cancer, well, all I asked is that he goes to the doctors.

It's all taking its toll on my now, there's been an announcement at work - more redundancies. I'm finding it hard to be positive but its showing - my dishearteness. He thinks I'm giving ready to throw the towel in on us. I am at times, I tell him I should after everything and how he treats me at times, but I love him and don't want to give up. I feel in limbo with work, with him, with my life. He's applying from jobs in London but its not looking fruitful.

This last week I've been a cow, short tempered, snapping back, I think he deserves this, I know he does and I tell him. I want him to be there for me, I want to see him so he can put his arms around me.

He's away with the kids and wife at the caravan and can't text - no signal apparently.

Friday morning 11:30 he texts. He hasn't slept, can't get it out of his head that if I love him why are you still sleeping with BF? He doesn't know this but its just something in his head. God I'm angry. Thought he couldn't text and when he does it's to put his mind at rest. It's not always about you M I tell him. He's sorry and an idiot, no argument there.

Its been hard to capture what has happened in the last 7-8 months and in my current state of mind I've focused on the not so good parts. Hopefully talking about the present will give a more balanced view.

Shivers and Guilt

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-23 – 15:06:29

We skirt around of the subject of us sleeping together, we can barely whisper the word, sex.

He wants to come down and stay over, as much as I want this to happen I can't help that sinking feeling that its not right but how else do we find out if this is the real thing?

The hotel, train and annual leave have been booked. I've lied before to BF but I feel different this time, guilty but not. There's a lot riding on our time together because of the discussions we had around how its going to happen, how we're going to feel etc. After meeting him at the station we head off to Selfridges for lunch where I consume 2 glasses of wine, delicious and well needed.

Standing at the hotel reception I feel like they know, I'm nervous. I'm never nervous when it comes to sex, but it isn't sex he wants to make love to me (cheese I know but that's him and I like it even though I pretend not to). I don't know what to do when we arrive in the room, its a bit of a disappointment from the website but that's all incidental.

I want to take a shower alone first, give myself a bit of space. He does so immediately afterwards. Towels fall away and there are no words spoken while he explores me, he does so more quickly than I want. I need his trust first before I let myself go. He reads this wrongly I later find out. I'm ashamed to say I was surprised by the size of his manhood, small. In comparison to BF he is but maybe BF is just blessed. it makes me feel guilty for thinking this. I feel like he wants to acknowledge this and he does in a way by saying he never thought he was any good at sex. The thing is, it doesn't matter. The way he touches me sends shivers down my body, that's what i really want.

We order food and talk. I love being close to him, him whispering in my ear how much he loves looking at me, stroking me, kissing me. He makes me feel alive, special, just me.

We've had an amazing time but we both agree we're glad we've got this out of the way which sounds awful but it's true. There was so much pressure for this to be spectacular but it wasn't but that's OK.

Our relationship takes a different turn now; we want more of each other physically, its like we've got something to prove to each other. We're both holding back, I know I am. We haven't reached that point where I can tell him my fantasies.

I've never felt this happy, content, free but protected with someone, ever. Everything had started to take shape for our future plans, how we wanted it to be different from what we were living now. He was so sure and confident out our future.

All that changed a week before Christmas.

Three little words but not quite

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-22 – 17:40:16

I really want this to be different this time with M. It feels different, like we're both on the same level of like for one another. He is very expressive about how he feels about me, generous with his words and for that I just adore him. I've never been in a relationship where I feel adored, and that is all I want.

The emails, texts and phone calls are constant throughout the day and evening. Fortunately and unfortunately we are going through a consultation period at work and we're looking to make 150 people redundant, this means he's had a few visits to London to make.

I'm due to see him on his next visit. Every time we meet I become this shy and nervous as hell little girl the moment I clap eyes on him. This could be down to the age gap, he's 40 to my 28 years young at that time. I think that this is part of the issue along with the life experiences he's had, particularly the fact he has children. I can't remember now if he offered this information or if I had asked, but the moment he told me I had this awful empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It still didn't deter me.

I take half day to spend more time with him before he takes the train home around 6. I take him to a bar I know and he teases me about my shyness around him for the first hour or so!! He does comment the more I see him the less time it takes to break me down which he sees as a compliment and a challenge.

M has the deepest chocolate brown eyes and when I dare to look into them I feel myself falling. He can tell exactly what I'm thinking and read my inner thoughts. That's scary as hell for me. So I have concluded this is the reason for my shyness.

After lunch I take him into London to another bar, in between his kisses we laugh, joke, talk about our feelings, our wants in life. No one else could exist while we were there. I want to tell him I'm falling in love with him, but the background noise is drowning me out and the words are lodged in my throat. Its time to leave but it only feels like we've been together minutes not hours.

On the underground platform he holds me tight and I asked him let a couple of trains go because the words I want to say are on the tip of my tongue but won't come out Then, I'm completely taken aback with my courage and truthfulness which is rising through my body with which I blurt out

"I'm falling in love with you M"

With every word I meant it, the feeling inside it gave me was nothing I'd experienced before. He was completely mesmerised by it and couldn't speak - this is a first for M! I watch the tube doors close with he just standing there, his lips parted and his eyes glazed over in shock - good shock I later learn.

We've moved to the next level I guess, there's still a long way to go. We both agree that up to now it's based on our personalities and what we can bring to this partnership and it isn't about a quick shag. This is completely different for me!

You can guess where my next entry will be going, our first night together.

M The Poet

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-21 – 23:40:00

Hmmm. Last night was a bit random but needed to share with someone.

Back to M.

We know where we both stand, he has a wife and I live with my boyfriend. Our emails are varied from light chit chat to the deep and meaningful. Its such a refreshing change to feel able to be open and honest with someone.

He writes the most beautiful poems to and about me. How he captures our personalities and feelings is amazing. They do something to me inside. Its like constant butterflies, shooting through my body. He tells me he's liked me (in the physical sense) since we first met at a meeting.

I've never felt like this. He opens up something inside me, allows me to be the person inside, the one I long to be. He makes me smile when we talk, he can tell too. He tells me I'm smiling with my mouth and eyes. I am.

We agree to meet.

I travel up on the train. 10 minutes before I arrive he texts, and it sends shock waves through my body. I'm nervous as hell, my palms are sweating and I can't breath. I see him on the station as I pull in. All I'm thinking is will I find him physically attractive, have that spark to complete the package.

I step off the train and he's there in front of me, reaching for my hand, smiling. I can't speak, can't give him eye contact, can't breath. We reach to the safety of the car, I know he wants to kiss me. M is a talker, I ask him to talk, ramble on until I calm down.He tells me how gorgeous I look, stunning. I've chosen my outfit carefully, a grey tailor shorts suit with a light blue shirt, tanned legs and black high heels. Hair is down, long and straight, minimal make-up. I look good.

He's already picked out a pub for lunch. He wants to kiss me over the table, I can't resist him. We walk out of the pub and I take his hand and pull him into me. We stop before we get to the car and I just melt into him. I love his kisses. A short drive to the park and we're all over each other, I can't stop smiling. Not many words are exchanged, too consumed with each other. He turns me on, a lot.

Back to the station and I don't want to leave, the day has been perfect. I know this is just the

beginning of what's to come.

This is what I mean

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-20 – 22:59:02

Tonight is an example of BF and making me feel like a dick.

I'm exhausted from work where we're currently going through consultation to make 200 people redundant for the second time in 6 months. Fairly stressful, you'll agree? Not that we talk about it together.

I'm vegging in bed and we order a curry which he brings up on a tray, my favourite childhood tray. I love him for these little things, sometimes I feel like they're just habit rather than a gesture of his love. He comes up after we've both finished to chat and says moaning cow next door is out tonight and her poor husband is home alone. He's about to go down stairs when he announces:

BF: 'I'm going to have a beer'

Something is not right, I can tell in the tone.

Me: 'You mean you're going next door'

BF: 'Well, yeah I might do, why?'

Me: 'Why didn't you say that then, instead of lying?'

BF: 'I didn't lie, you knew I meant that I would go next door'

Me: 'Don't make me look like a nob, so you were going to go back down stairs and sneak next door then I'd text to say where the fuck are you? You'd reply but you knew what I meant'

BF: 'I won't go then'

Me: 'Do whatever, just don't make me look like a dick'

BF: 'I didn't. Give me a hug'

Me: 'No you've fucked me off'

We hug

BF: 'Can I go then?'

NA: 'Don't ask me, just tell me straight'

BF: 'Just text if you need anything, I'l come back and do anything'

Just fuck off.

He knows I can't stand next door after all the bitching so doesn't even bother asking anymore if I want to go, just assumes.

Is it me?

There's more

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-20 – 21:58:01

I need to summarise. I feel like I've just blurted everything out without any real structure or flow. Hope someone can make sense of it out there!!

I'm 29, dreading turning 30. Lived in London since 2002 and originally from up North. I've had 5 jobs, love/d 2 of them, 2 OK and 1 I detested.

Work is important to me, I'm professional and take pride in my work. I've found it difficult being a Northerner working in London at times. Current job is good, more than good. My boss is A+ and its where I met my GBF - he is funny, no hilarious all the time and keeps my on track.

Work has also been the demise of my relationship as well.

So... I've covered why I'm in this mess; D - the first and the added saga of neighbour 2. There's more. Oh boy there is more.

As I said work is a big contributing factor in the continued break down of my relationship, plus the fact I've just never had the balls to leave. I could make excuses but there aren't any. Just that its easy and comfortable.

8th August 2007 is where it started with M. I knew little of him. He was based up North and had been off the previous year recovering from cancer. He was witty on emails and also had a little poem to entice someone to help him out. My last encounter with him before August was the January. Winter Party; he was standing with another colleague who was drippy as hell and thought I would say 'Hi'. Apparently I kissed him on the cheek but I don't recall that part. We talked about work mainly, laughing together. I do remember constantly smiling when I was talking to him.

A casual email asking for my help is where it began. We joked about me saying I liked 'large G&T's'. He disclosed his martial status very early on - married. Hmmm. I don't think it really registered with me at first because there was no physical attraction there. I've always dismissed anyone who was attached. We talked about life to date, interests, food, and that he would like to take me to lunch next time he was in London. I accepted and during the course of the emails this changed to dinner - cunning man! Then came the crunch, he enquired about other suiters. I told the truth, the whole truth. I was in a relationship, not completely unhappy but realise I wanted more from life and the relationship I had.

There, I had said it. I was finally honest with myself.

Neighbour # 2

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-20 – 11:46:13

I was exhausted yesterday and couldn't do justice to this then. I decided I would use my spare time at work effectively!!

Neighbour number 2 is priviledge to have a post dedicated to him, I think there is probably more to it in the deepest darkest part of my brain but we'll leave that there...

This all began in the Summer 07 when the communal garden was constantly occupired by most of the Mews. I'll bring you up to present day.

Yes, good friend, enjoy his company and is easy to get on with. This is a refreshing change to the moaning cow next door. The friendship moves on from just a hello and a wave to catching up in the day on email and then to text.

It isn't long before the harmless flirting (is it ever harmless???) moves onto deliberate flirting and eventually confesses to having a little crush on me. Now in hindsight - that wonderful thing, I should have been empathetic but clear on my relationship, albeit a failing one. Instead a brush it off lightly and say "don't worry it will soon wear off etc etc"

The emails, texts and popping round for a cuppa continue. Then the kitchen incident happens. A few drinks and all the neighbours are in our house, and he takes the opportunity to firmly place his hands on my waist whilst we were in the kitchen together. My heart raced into my mouth and I asked him curtly to remove his hands immediately. He passes this off the following day as an effect of the drink and apologises profusely. Hmmm.

Thankfully the nights get darker and winter is drawing near = no garden parties or neighbours out for drinks. Anyway, we arrange a day out in London just the two of us. I have real trouble saying no to people!! We do have an enjoyable day out and I look round for some Christmas presents (a Smythson note book) and we head home. On the journey home we discuss the theatre/musicals and that it would be nice to go in the new year.

Christmas is nearing and he drops into the conversation that he has a "stocking filler present for me". I haven't bought him a thing!! We also have a discussion on email about the theatre which he researches and then declares that its all booked for my birthday in January. This doesn't please me that he's just gone and book it but put it to the back of my mind.

So the "stocking filler present" is unwrapped when I return home from my parents in the new year. I open the present in front of BF it is a Symthson Note book which has my name on the front...

I couldn't wipe the shock of my face then was quickly brought down to earth with the BF shouting why the hell is he buying you expensive gifts like that. Oh boy.

So I tell him that it was too much and he shouldn't etc blah, blah, blah. I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable now, particularly that I know we have the night out to the theatre and I haven't mentioned this to BF.

Then as if things couldn't get any worse flowers arrive for my birthday at home, they are lovely, pink/red roses. Fuck, fuck. fuck. BF most be really mulling this one over as it takes him to the following day to have a go. And I've still got to mention the theatre. Shit, shit, shit.

For once I'm honest with the BF, told him how it was all making me feel and that I hated backing out at the last minute.

He knows something is wrong, the morning following the theatre I recieve an email. "So was it me or you that was in a mood. I think it was you"...

So I'm nearly up to the present day with #2. Yes I have asked myself if there is anything there on more than one occasion because if not why wouldn't I put him straight.

There isn't. He is kind, considerate, independant, has a good job and his own flat. I don't fancy him though.

So this week I have finally told him we are good friends. On text, cowards way I know, but still its a step in the right direction. Doesn't seem to have had the effect I was looking for.

I'm thinking my second blog maybe based on the emails and texts from my collection of admirers.

What do you think?!

Almost forgot, throughout our developing relationship he has a liking to repeating the comments made by the moaning cow next door. Most of them are things that just could be taken either way, usually the wrong. I feel now this is something in his little plan and I've told him I no longer wish to know what has been said.

2 reasons.

1. It will just isolate me further from the group.
2. When I repeat this to the BF he just shrugs it off and makes me feel like he never sticks up or defends me - he doesn't but no need to highlight it and get myself annoyed.

Phew...I feel so much better )

The beginning of the end

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-18 – 23:12:43

Its amazing all the details you forget over time, I'm thinking I want to get up to speed to the present now. I realise this is rushing the whole process but I'm going to use my coaching skills I've acquired over my working years and numerous courses I've attended to help me through the present.

Anyway enough of that, where was I?

I've drunkly told him I've been shagging someone else. He calls him mate to pick him up and stay over. I've always wondered what happened between them, what they spoke about but never asked of course.

I guess we just went back to 'normal'. We get on for the most part, we laugh at the same things, we can get drunk together - although we never do its either one or the other, he buys me poorly pop when it time of the month and takes the bin out - after the 14th time of asking.

So why isn't this good enough? Why do I feel like I deserve better?

Things do get better over the next few years; we have some fantastic holidays and actually make plans together. Then we develop some new friends where we live, on the surface it seems like we have a chance.

Then his new found socialising got out of hand, and I was getting attention at work once more. Slippery slope down hill again.

I'll talk about the socialising with the neighbours now as this is a contributing factor in our relationship.

Next door are desperate to live their life of pre baby. They are so grateful that they have people that they call friends on their door step and we have a communal garden to hijack. Great; he spends his summer evenings out smoking and drinking and gives me a bit of space in doors. We're both happy.

He doesn't do anything in moderation. The socialising takes over everything, and I'm second best. Most of the time he's drunk, loud and obnoxious. I find it embarrassing to deal with so often make my excuses early and head of for a night of cups of tea and Law & Order.

This hasn't gone unnoticed by female neighbour who I later find out has described me as always 'having the cob on'. I think in Northern terms this is mardy... She constantly comments on the lack of my drinking and general taking care of my body and health - its just who I am. Where as BF is constantly there with his can of Stella and fag in hand.

This is where I can introduce neighbour number 2. Male, single and ginger. We gradually become good friends. Have lots in common and is good company.

I'll stop here. Tomorrow we'll discuss neighbour number 2, I'm sure you can guess where that one is heading...

On a roll... Please let it last!

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-17 – 21:15:40

I've surprised myself with the dedication here, most unlike me. Am I turning over a new leaf? Or is the novelty going to wear off soon? Hope not.

Ah yes D... The first.

So I spend the next two months deceitfully working late, driving over to his flat when the BF was working away to give him foot rubs. God, it turns my stomach to think I went anywhere near him, never mind the feet. You didn't see the flat. No word of a lie, the bathroom had a 2 inch thick layer of dust behind the door. We'd spend hours on the phone in the evenings talking about work, CSI and generally getting to know each other.

As always, I was the one who showed the weakness. I was the one throwing myself at him - don't think I'll ever learn

.

So it started with a drunken night and ended with one. A work night out, I knew he was interested in one of my staff but didn't expected him to show it in front of everyone. I'd drank far too much, screamed at him in the bar and told my boss I was handing in my notice - great move!

I balled my eyes out on the Circle Line and then the train home. BF didn't know what the hell was going on until I declared my love for D and that he didn't want me. Lets off load the guilt, brilliant idea.

This is where we both should have ended it, 3 years ago.

My new found therapy!

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-16 – 22:56:25

It was what I discovered that day.

Bf upstairs in front of the computer, trousers down. I didn't want to see what the image was, I knew. I looked him in the eye and walked back down stairs. That's when it all went wrong.

After 3 years together it was like I didn't know him at all. I questioned myself, why wasn't I good enough? What's wrong with me? His excuse was its not something you bring up in conversation. That's when the suspicion set in, checking emails, texts, bank statements. He actually paid to be a member of these sites!

I know, I know, its 'normal'. Its a man thing. Its what they do.

No, it broke my trust and my heart. And that's where it began.

I was never the popular one, never the one with a queue of men making advances - not even one. But it didn't matter because I was happy until that day. Then a started my new job, made a much needed friend - J, and we hit the City most Fridays.

D was the first. At work, the loud one, the one everyone looked up to and adored. And he wanted me! It began at the Christmas do. Several G&T's later, one bag stolen - mine, and a trip back to his flat.

This is Me. Where the hell do I start?

by NorthernAngel @ 2008-03-15 – 23:51:07

Welcome. Welcome to my diary.

Where do I start? Past, present or future?

Hmmm.

Lets start with why I decided to put fingertips to keys. Well I've arrived at a stage in my life where I'm often asking myself is there a defining moment in my life that got me here? Hopefully this might help me answer that.

So I'm at a crossroads in my life where I have a few decisions to make, and soon. Nothing major. Just partner, job and home. No nothing major at all!!

Partner is probably the best place to start. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years on 30th March and I've got that 7 year itch, and I've found someone to scratch it, and satisfy it.

He was meant to be the one for life, instead he broke my trust and then my heart.

We are both from the same home town but he was living and working in London. That's exactly where I was heading, London - bonus! I was having the best time of my life being single, confident and happy when I eyed him across the bar. It was the eyes that did it. He was quietly confident, unlike his friend - thank god! So we played the dating and commuting game for a year, next minute I'm hot footing it down to the big city leaving a teary eye Mother at the station. I loved him, he was the one. He got me over the fireman (now that's a different story, the fireman), he had to be the one. Ah, you've noticed its in the past tense...

What changed first? Me or what I discovered?